About Jamie (That’s Me)

Yo, what up. I’m Jamie Varon. The one and only, unless someone else has my same name in which case CHANGE YOUR NAME because this is mine. Wait, I lost my train of thought? What are we talking about?

Oh, right.

Got it back now.

Hi! How are you? Your hair looks fucking great today. New shampoo? It smells good, too. Damn. Get some.

I live in LA with my adorable Tunisian fiance and his name is Houssem. If you don’t know where Tunisia is, I won’t blame you. When I first met Houssem, he didn’t speak any English, so I mistakenly thought he was from Torino, which is in Italy, so I was excited to have met an Italian man only to Google Tunisia and find out that Tunisia is actually in NORTH AFRICA which is just not Italy. Houssem and I met in Paris and lived there for a year, in which it wasn’t all baguettes and berets. After two years of living in a handful of European cities, plus an 8 month period in which we were living 5,000+ miles from each other, we are now happily reunited. Our wedding is in Vegas and it is on June 8th, 2013. If I don’t update this after that date, just assume I’m married.

I’m a writer, pretty much by process of elimination. I am also a professional aspirationalist. That’s not a word, but I’ve made it into one, since there was nothing that could quite describe me because I didn’t want to say I’m a “professional dreamer” because that sounds like some hippie shit. I have aspirations, like, lots of them. If you’d like me to create a TV show, get in touch with me. How about publishing my memoir? Get in touch. If you are from The Ellen Show, I will, of course, accept your interview and would be delighted to dance it out with my girl, so long as she doesn’t prank me by making me eat cilantro. In fact, I want no cilantro in anything. I have requested that, when I am rich as fuck, I have a personal assistant who’s only job is to make sure cilantro does not enter my food. I WILL PAY THIS PERSON A LOT OF MONEY TO BE DEVOTED ONLY TO ME. It will be like the secret service of food. You shouldn’t even have a family because I will want you to be monitoring my food night and day. I’ll require that you always have a headset and if I even eat one sprig of cilantro, you will disappear into the night and never be heard of again.

I’m clearly very low maintenance.