Today, I am breathing fire. Part of it is that today I want to strangle a person, but the other part is just that some days you wake up really angry, you know? I have no idea what that’s about or how you accumulate anger while sleeping, but it happens and it happened to me last night. I woke up on the figurative wrong side of the bed. However, circumstances of the day have not helped in easing my fire breathing. In fact, they’ve incensed the fire.
Take Exhibit A: Today, I needed a break from all the time I spend in my apartment because I work from home. So, I got on the metro and headed to Starbucks. I don’t care if you think that’s crazy to go to Starbucks in Paris; they’re the only place that serves iced coffee drinks and? It’s delicious. When I get to Starbucks, I order my drink, which I have ordered enough in France to now know how to say it in French perfectly. But, being the efficient machines that they are, the French run Starbucks like it’s an unruly farm. Woman takes my order and does she write it on a cup and hand it to a barista? No, she yells it and hopes the barista hears her. This is clearly more intelligent than the American way of writing the order down and putting it in the line with other orders. Yes, yelling, across twenty feet of counter space. Genius.
Then, I have to tell my order to the cashier, but I leave the “iced” part out, because it’s just not necessary. It’s the same price. After I pay, I go to wait in the clusterfuck that is the line of people waiting for their drinks. I hand my receipt to the barista and she gives me a hot caramel macchiato, which is wrong. I say to her, “Glacé! Pardon!” and does she say, “Désolé!” and make me a new drink? No, she glares at me with eyes intended to make me whimper and drink the hot coffee I don’t want. She yells something to the poor cashier that didn’t even take my order and sighs audibly while pouring out the macchiato into the sink. I can actually hear her eyes rolling in complete and utter disgust and annoyance.
In under two minutes, my drink is remade correctly. God, it’s not like I asked for a caramel Frappuccino and then for her to sing me Happy Birthday while she handed it to me. When my drink was finished, I watched it for at least three minutes just sitting there, waiting to have a lid on it. This annoyed, put-out barista reached for drinks behind my finished drink. She waited for other drinks to be finished and doled those out. She didn’t so much as look at my drink until an amount of time had passed that said, “I hate you, stupid American.”
Finally, she finished my drink, added the lid and, as she handed it to me, said in a faux confused voice, “You didn’t tell my friend over there that you wanted this iced.”
Which is funny, because I was confused, too. Starbucks didn’t tell me they were hiring total bitches. Girl. Twinsies!
I, then, explained to her that I told the first woman that took my order that I wanted it iced. To which, she slung back at me, saying that the woman must not have understood. Subtext: clearly, you’re dumb. At this, I grabbed my drink and walked away before I got really out of control and went behind the Starbucks counter and smothered this woman in a fucking Frappuccino, all the while yelling, “I SAID ICED, BITCH!”
Whoa. That was violent. When did I become so hood?
I need deep breaths and my happy place. My happy place being America with air conditioning and the complete absence of mosquitos, the French language and just people, in general. (Except you, I like you.)
The end.
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
I think the funniest part, is I can totally picture this happening, in English, at the Starbucks down the street from me in Boston.
This totally made me crack up laughing. I ended up in a Paris Starbucks a few times myself (okay, mostly to sneakily use their bathroom, but occasionally to actually order a coffee), and I always got the impression that the girls working there must have to take some kind of “how to be a bitch extraordinaire” training before actually being allowed to serve coffee to anyone.
OH, VARON! How I wish I were there to share this splendid moment of hate with you!!!! Heart you. Now stop being a bitch and come to Barcelona before I leave on August 30th.
I don’t like Starbucks (don’t hurt me.) It’s from years of working at Panera. It’s just like a sports rivalry-only with caffeine.
Also, I used to be legit scared of waking up on the wrong side of the bed as a kid. I think I tested the theory a few times too, and it did not pan out.
Ugh, now I’M angry. I hate those self righteous french assholes!
Yeah, I’m with the dude who said he can see this happening in Boston. I went to a Boston Starbucks the other day & wanted to drown myself in iced mocha. It was the least happy experience in ever.
Did the ending really happen? Or are you blogging your preferred reality? If the latter, cool story. If the former, oh my holy shit. You’re awesome.
How violent would you get if someone tried to hug you right now?
Lol. An interesting question. I’m picturing fighting off the initial, tentative advances, followed by big, shuddering sobs. A hug makes everything better. Even bitch asses from Starbucks who serve coffee for money.
Jamie, if it makes you feel better, this happens to me at American Starbucks at least 3 times a month.
AHAHA SAME.
Next time I’d like you to say, “If I had to design a site for you it would just say BITCH right across the top of the screen…THAT’S HOW MUCH I HATE YOU!”
She’d never give you a problem again. I’m certain.
But the real question is:
Were these chicks as bad as THE D TEAM?
I hate to break it to you, but we’ve got mosquitoes here too and they’re the size of fucking pterodactyls right now. Like, you need a bazooka filled with OFF bug spray to kill them.
sorry, but if that had been me, she would have been wearing the coffee!
Did you really say that when you left???? Bold Move!!! And today you were reelee-from-da-hood and shizs!! Atleast you know some French!! Wee Wee!!
Love this post!!!
Encore De S’il vous plait Du Blog!!!
Wow. My brain totally dropped the “and walked away before” in the I SAID ICED, BITCH sentence. And I was completely confused as to why if you actually threw it in her face how you could end the post two sentences later with “the end” and not tell us what happened. But I understand now.
I’ve had moments like those, not at Starbucks. Mostly with people. Like when I broke up with my boyfriend that I had been with for a year and he didn’t so much as react or flinch I almost threw my drink in his face, but it was hot coffee and I didn’t feel like getting sued.
my starbucks guy asks my name every time, and i guess that pales in comparison but sometimes it makes me mad because we see each other every. saturday. at. 10am. because that is when break is and obviously i need caffeine, and it is always the same guy and he doesn’t remember me or that my order is the same thing every time – but sometimes i like to branch out and get a different SIZE (omg!), yet he still manages to make me the wrong thing on occasion. UGH! MY LIFE! next time i am just going to order in japanese or attempt russian or something and see what i get.
That bitch deserved what she got because she’s French, and French people are assholes. (I visited Paris for the first time in January and I loved everything about it except the people.) If I had been living in Paris for almost a year, I would have done the same thing by now, if not sooner.
I just can’t believe you americans – gotta be the stupidest people on earth. THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – center of the earth! or maybe not… bitch gina
ah. i laughed. first. let me remind you that you are in paris. so it is all relative (because they are french bitchiness and not, say, NYC bitchiness). second. order a baquette at some small patisserie when the line is long. and screw up the order as if you are confused and unsure what you want. they will perform the violence on you. third. odeon starbucks is my favorite. what is great about the paris starbucks (to me) is all the young people like hanging out there (in combination with the people who can only speak english) because they think it is cool. so i can feel cool. and i am in paris (which is cool). so i guess i am telling you that you have attained coolness. how cool is that?
Fucking hilarious! I almost felt like I was reading my own writing. Cheer up soon!
Ah, the French. Such a sweet, friendly and mild-mannered people. LOL
Interesting to have a different take on Parisian Starbucks. I am from Quebec, Canada, and I used to live in Paris when I was a university student. Even though my first language is French, I had a hard time adapting to the not-North-American-at-all culture… and I often ended up spending hours at Starbucks, because it was the only café where 1) I would be served with a smile (well, we had a different experience on that), and 2) I didn’t feel any pressure to leave after I had finished my espresso (that is to say, 5 minutes).
Customer service in Paris is usually not so friendly. They look worn out from the never-ending flow of tourists. I’ve learned to snap back at them when they were aggressive. But I have never tried the Frappuccino thing, though
It’s a French thing. Just make sure that when you’re on the Metro going to get your Starbucks, that you don’t bend over to “helpfully” pick up anyone’s change that mysteriously drops on the floor. And then, don’t try and file a police report about the incident. On a Sunday.
When I lived in Chelsea (in NYC) I almost got into a legit fight with my local barista. I’ll spare you the details but it ended with me being sassy as hell.
The next time I went in I apologized if I was rude and after that we became starbucks customer/barista besties. He gave me free drinks all the time.
I’ve sold rights to the movie.
I’m sorry. Wow. I would have died.
Oh-ho-ho, have I been there before! I mean, I’ve never been to Paris, but I lived in Santiago, Chile and girl, do I know the feeling! It’s like, everywhere but the U.S. of-freaking-A people are allergic to lines, good service, a sense of urgency and everything else logical. But if it gives you any perspective at all, I’m not there anymore, and I legit have dreams about going back there every other night. Or, maybe I’m just a nut. Anywho…
Ah, I had a similar situation. I said said “iced” but instead got a hot one.
The woman was a real bitch and later on, I saw her walking out of the store with two iced frappuccinos. Well, you didn’t mess up your drinks, eh? Pfft.
It’s “hood” to yell, of all places, in Starbucks? LOL LOL LOL!!
I refuse to go into Starbucks anymore. I’ve yet to have them be complete bitches/assholes to me. But the one here in my neck of the woods.. the people are incompetent idiots. They couldn’t make a proper tasting drink to save their lives.
hahahaha, good one