So, I’m back from the dead. Literally. Okay, fine, figuratively. Calm down. But really, back from the dead. If you haven’t been following my tweets or Facebook posts, you may not know that I have been sick on and off with different illnesses for over a month. Yes, the entire time I’ve been in Europe. Yes, I realize this might actually mean I’m allergic to Europe. Or that it’s a sign from the Universe that I should not be in Europe. But too bad because I don’t believe in signs or the Universe or allergies for that matter. (Just kidding, Universe, oh my god, I believe in you, please don’t smite me again.)
Being the kind of sick where you are still fully conscious, but also feel horrific makes you really question your life. This past week was rock bottom for me. Not rock bottom for my sickness, but maybe the rock bottom of my life. I was so helpless and so pathetic and so depressed it was almost funny.
I handled the other sicknesses, the laryngitis (yep, couldn’t talk for four days), the bronchitis (awesome, hot cough), the random colds (3? 4? lost count), but this past one truncated by the other ones? OH I LOST IT, PEOPLE. I mean, I really lost it. Because, I just didn’t get it. I was feeling good, finally! And then, last Tuesday: The Parisian Plague (not medically accurate diagnosis, but symptomatically accurate) (also, not a real thing). The Parisian Plague rendered me unbelievably useless. Could I work? No. Could I make food for myself? No. Could I find a doctor? No. Could I do anything but watch every single show that exists on SideReel? No. Could I call my mom every night, ask her what the meaning of my life is and then cry for an hour? Yes, why yes, I could do that quite well, actually.
One day I only ate Domino’s pizza and a chocolate croissant. Yes, Domino’s. I knowwwww. I know that’s not healthy, but when you have some sort of flu and you make eggs like you do every other morning and just the SIGHT OF THEM makes you gag, you eat pizza. You eat plain cheese pizza from the American-est place you can find and you know what’s pathetic about it? Your French friend who lives in London had to call and order it for you to have it delivered because a) you’ve missed a week of French classes and b) you are so useless you can’t even order your own pizza. Rock bottom, people. ROCK. BOTTOM.
I mean, it sucks being sick when you’re at home and you have plenty of people to whine to who will bring you delicious treats like medicine and Food That Won’t Make You Gag right to your bedside. But when you’re in a foreign country alone and you don’t speak the language, do you even know the despair you feel? UNIMAGINABLE DESPAIR. I was a total hopeless mess. I went to all the places in the corners of all my minds that I don’t go to because THEY ARE DARK AND MEAN AND THEY NEED TO JUST SHHHHH.
So, to recap, on top of being physically so sick that I could not get out of bed or eat anything basically, I was also so depressed that I was mean to myself. “Why are you here alone, Jamie? Why do you like being alone? WHO LIKES BEING ALONE? What are you hiding from? WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM!? Is this what you really want? HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT? HOW BAD MUST YOU FEEL IN ORDER TO GIVE UP? What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you want a boyfriend? WHO DOESN’T WANT A BOYFRIEND? Why don’t you have anyone to help you? IF YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND, HE’D HELP YOU. YOU ARE SO SAD AND MISERABLE. BE SAD AND MISERABLE. WHY DON’T YOU EVER CRY?” And then I’d cry. I’d actually be the cause of my own tears.
Myself broke myself.
Yeah. Let that sink in.
Wait. This is starting to sound like a bad Fight Club knockoff, huh?
I’m going to end this now before this gets any weirder. Or pathetic-er.
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
YOU AWIVE! YOU AWIVE!
I think the cosmic meaning to you being sick for a month in France is the universe telling you to milk that free healthcare system as much as you can, as long as you can. Maybe there’s some really hot French male nurse waiting for you somewhere…
You know you can order Domino’s pizza online, right? Or is that only available in the US?
Sounds like a rough go… but on the bright side, now you can add humor to your awful week! This was a well written post. Hopefully things turn around for you now that you’re back from the dead! Universe be good here!
I don’t want a boyfriend right now either. There are fleeting moments when I do want one. But I really just want someone to cuddle and use as a bed warmer because it’s effing cold.
OMG this was hilarious (tho I do feel bad you were so miserable)! I just wanted to say that when I first moved to Paris I was sick for like 3 months straight and it was a nightmare. Reading this brought me right back there– being alone and confused, not speaking the language, not having a doctor (or even knowing how to go about finding one), the internal dialogue, everything! The doctor I finally saw told me that his American patients ALWAYS get sick when we first arrive in France (something about getting used to the germs) and that it’ll get better/easier. It did.
Anyway glad you’re better. Enjoy Paris! You’ve gone through your rite of passage
Sounds like you’ve been through a pretty rough patch lately… It’s no fun being sick when you are away from the people who take care of you best. I agree though. Good greasy pizza is always the best cure. Glad you’re feeling better, pumpkin!
HUGS! LOTS OF HUGS!
Oh man that sounds terrible. I hate being helpless so I can only imagine how you felt.
You are my hero for moving to a foreign country on your own. That is something I have always wanted to do.
I mean, I’m just glad you’re better. But, yeah, if I’m sick and I talk to my mom on the phone? I always cry. BECAUSE I’M SO ALONE. AND MY MOM LIVES 20 MILES AWAY. Ugh.
Oy, this sounds familiar!!! I often wonder why I have chosen to put myself in situations where there is a no hope of finding a boyfriend, when in fact (though I love to be alone) I am super lonely sometimes. Maybe there’s nothing really *wrong* with us and we’re just ambivalent about relationships. Can you BLAME us? Relationships can be … problematic.
Does Dominoes in Paris taste the same as Dominoes in the U.S.? Because I don’t like the new Dominoes pizza, but you know what’s fucking awesome? THEIR CHEESY BREAD OH MY GOD CHEESY GREASY YUM YUM IN MY BELLY NOMMMM!
Also, there’s Dominoes in Florida. Except you wouldn’t need Dominoes if you were sick in Florida because I would make you homemade soup and tea and all the goodness that Paris couldn’t give you at the time. I’ll even only talk in French to you if that helps. I’LL BE YOUR FRENCH MAID EVEN! Ah, this sounds like the making of a great porno. Eeee!
I have written entire articles about the importance of a significant others in times of sickness. When you have to take care of yourself and you can’t and there is no one to step in…that is one of the ONLY times that I get uber-mopey about my single status
Oh gosh, I’ve been there. Sick in a hospital and completely and utterly traumatized by it and myself. Speaking from the other side, I look back and see how there was a deep underlying screaming going on (if we want to get lyrical: the screaming was in my soul), and I didn’t want to listen. I literally drowned the screaming out in the dirty bathwater. The screaming was about the Truth of the Matter, what was really wrong with me but coming out as sickness. It was that I was getting caught up in all my thoughts about who I thought I was, without really discovering the Who I Am.
Now, I don’t know if this is your situation at all. Maybe you are just plain old sick. But my sickness came from something else, and if I had just listened a little bit I would have known what it was.
Feel better at least!
Oh, Jamie. I am SO sorry that you got so sick. I totally empathize — I went on a trekking trip in Nepal last year and got severe food poisoning for three days in the middle of nowhere. I couldn’t even go to a room that was more than 30F degrees. I felt so bad that I started thinking, “Why am I traveling? Why did I ever leave a developed country? I need to get evacuated by helicopter and brought to a place with skyscrapers immediately and then eat 10 pounds of pizza and never leave.”
Oh, don’t worry, eventually, I pooped all of that crazy thinking out. (And, by pooped, I mean shot it out over three days via a stream of non stop brown liquid.)
Point. being. Glad you didn’t die and that you’re back to your normal sane state. Of insanity. You’re now a stronger person.
I hope you feel better soon!
Dear Jamie,
Take good care of yourself. It’s going to get better! I somewhat know the feeling of being all alone, shut in a hotel room, feeling miserable and left out, and afraid to venture out. I couldn’t help it and I knew I was coming in my way no matter what the reason. I needed to develop a strong spirit, have faith, be patient, have positive thoughts of self and others, be easy on myself and reach out. Gradually, over the course of time, as I adjusted, it got better. Am reminded of how things get so overwhelming when we take on something new, but gradually, it dissipates as we integrate the things we are learning and get more and more comfortable.
Write and read about all the wonderful things that you have experienced and everything you are grateful for in the present. Let the present where you do your best, guide you to the next step. Flood your mind with +ve thoughts. I am sorry about your health. It seems like the stress you are feeling is contributing. You are doing such amazing things like taking French and cooking classes. Be patient with yourself. Let people there think whatever. You just keep trying and keep learning and continue to stay honest. Never hesitate to ask for help. Eat healthy! Fresh fruits come to mind. Stock up on those Jamie. They instantly help us feel better. Allow and accept and let things come up in your mind and let them go. YOU are larger than those thoughts Jamie. Our mind is just a small part of us. You are where you should be. Don’t fight it, and believe that you live in a friendly, helpful, loving universe even when it sometimes seems otherwise. Keep learning the language!
Sorry for this long post of lots of thoughts, and you are already aware of all of this, but I wanted to offer my support and love. All the challenges we face, are helping us grow. See them as your guides and friends. Stay positive OK, and continue to work through the obstacles/puzzles little by little, thread by thread. Don’t let your spirit break. Dwell in good feelings. Big, big, big hug! Sending you all the positive energy Jamie, and all the support, and dazzling strength and love. Will be thinking about you and wishing for your well-being.
God, the only things worse than being really, really sick for a long time is being really, really sick in a place where you’re away from home and don’t have your mom to take care of you. I hope you are feeling better!
I just read this and was going to write you a ‘poor Jamie, feel better soon! Damn you Europe for knocking Jamie off her feet!” then I remembered your tweet today about YOUR FRENCH BOYFRIEND and I have no sympathy for you.
(Only an extreme amount of jealousy).
How fun! You have my deepest sympathies, as I’m friends with the feeling of being alone in a tiny, Egyptian hotel with dysentery for three days…twice. Never have I so been ready to welcome death (especially the second time when for all three days, a Muslim funeral was broadcast via loudspeaker every 30 minutes outside my hotel).
I prayed to Amenabby, the ancient Egyptian god of “lonely people stupid enough to get dystentery while traveling in the third world alone and who try to wait it out until a delirious sense of foreboding compels one to go to the shabby tourist hospital in Luxor where the Western-trained doctor, who speaks about as much English as I do Arabic tells me that he doesn’t need to use gloves when jabbing me with an IV because they’re only for circumcision.”
Amenabby didn’t hear nor end my suffering. It was finally ended by massive amounts of antibiotics, antispasmodics, and an IV tied up to the air conditioner in my hotel room.
But enough about me. Did anyone give you any good drugs in Paris?
Are you better yet? xx
I think you missed the point of France. You are supposed to be miserable and in somewhat of a bad mood while you are there. It’s the French way to be bitchy and depressed. Really, you should have painted or written a poem or sculpted a sculpture. You could have been famous!
I hope you are feeling better now. I actually had a similar experience in Australia when I got pretty sick on vacation. I spent my sick time throwing potatoes out of the second story balcony window of the room in the hostel I was staying in. Surprisingly, this didn’t make me feel better but it was fun.
Kudos for being humorous while going through a rough patch. Kudos and get well soon honey
I miss your updates! I have been checking this page every day for the past two weeks for an update…
The image of your friend in London ordering pizza for you is beautiful and somewhat familiar… I hope you’re doing better these days. And by doing better, I mean feeling better. You can continue to wallow for as long as you need. I understand.
Where are you? I hope not sick again….
I stumbled upon your site from Nicole’s page, and it’s such a fun read. It’s so cool that you are exploring and learning about yourself and the beautiful world around us. Never forget how fortunate you are, even during these tough times. Keep planning for tomorrow while enjoying all there is of today.
I hope you’re doing better. Waiting for another post, it’s been a while.
I’m only leaving a comment here because I’m really jealous of how much people leave their comments on your blog and in doing so I’ve just contributed by making another comment and also to my own jealousy, it’s like a self triggered downhill spiral.
I’m fascinated by how such random posts can generate so much buzz, although I got to say it is interesting. Maybe I’m too boring or something? May be I just need to start a blog about how jealous I get of other blogs beingbetter than mine?
I hope you better now. I am an college student in China. I love the style of this web. Beautiful.
i’ve stumbled upon your blog once before, and i’ve found it again. i’m new to france (bordeaux) but i think i’ve caught a bit of the paris plague that makes you question your existence. the only cure i’ve found so far is caneles and beacoup de vin.