You see, my life consists of two quite opposing ways of living: 1. ways in which I am a Real Adult and 2. ways in which I am not a Real Adult. There are times that even I am convinced that I am on the fast track to adulthood, but then there are the inevitable setbacks. The setbacks that seem to happen every day, rather than every other month like how maybe the life of a Real Adult might actually go.
If, say, we had a month of competition and I was up against someone I consider to be a refined adult, I’d say that my standings would be as follows: Times I’m a Real Adult: 5; Times I’m Not a Real Adult: 100. I’d venture to say that my opponent would have the opposite score. And, I’m here to say that I have no goddamn clue as to whether or not I’m the winner in this competition or the loser, both for not being a real adult and for even writing out this fake ridiculous game. Either way, I think I’ve confused myself, which wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened. Today.
Now, you might be wondering to yourself, “How is Jamie not like a real adult?” Or, you might be wondering to yourself, “Why is Jamie pointing out this unquestionably obvious fact about herself?” I have an answer if you’re in the first camp (see: the rest of this post). If you’re in the second camp, I have a caps lock rant for you: “YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME I WASN’T A REAL ADULT. YOU COULD HAVE SAVED ME A LOT OF SOUL-SEARCHING AND SELF-HELP BOOKS AND NIGHTS AND DAYS OF WALLOWING AND CRYING.”
Well, that was embarrassing. For you, not me.
Anyhooligans. How am I not a Real Adult? Let me count the ways.
Real Adult Behavior: Eats Kashi for breakfast.
Un-Adult Behavior That Cancels Out Previous Adult Behavior: Adds Rice Krispies to it.
Real Adult: Drinks wine, instead of whiskey during the week.
Fake Adult: Drinks entire bottle of wine out of a glass that holds an entire bottle of wine at a time.
Something That Makes Me Seem Like a Real Adult: Does laundry.
Something That I Do That Strikes Previous Notion Out: Does laundry every month and a half.
Adult-Like Thing: Has apartment in San Francisco with clothes hung up.
Seriously, Jamie?: Keeps all underwear in a Nordstrom bag, because does not have an empty drawer.
Real Adult: Has budget.
Fake Fucking Fuck Fuck Adult: Doesn’t budget.
Awesome: Eats vegetables.
Sucks: Eats chicken nuggets with said vegetables.
Go, Me!: Takes daily multi-vitamin.
Oooh, Questionable Decision: Takes GUMMI (child) multi-vitamins.
Adult Win: Has gym membership for 24 Hour Fitness that is literally two blocks away.
Adult Fail: Never goes.
And, now I’m depressed.
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Probably my favorite thing in this apartment is how every month and a half, right after we’ve done laundry, you go to your closet, pick up the now crinkled and horribly sad Nordstrom bag, put all your clean underwear in said bag, and then start a conversation with me that goes something like this:
You: Don’t worry, I’m still using the Nordstrom bag.
Me: Well of course, and I still sleep on an air mattress in the corner of the apartment.
You: Would you like to sit on the couch with me and enjoy a “glass” of wine?
Me: Would you like to sell the couch and replace it with a ball pit?
You: THIS IS WHY I DRINK SO MUCH WINE
Wow, it’s quite possible that I just managed to combine pretty much all of our conversations into one conversation.
You missed two words that are imperative to the conversations that happen in our apartment: “HI DERE”
Real adult behavior: Making a donation to the telethon I just volunteered for for four hours.
Fake adult (actual) behavior: Buying two dresses and three tops that make my heart flutter.
PS I just found this blog, and you are quite tremendous. Look forward to reading more of your stuff.
I think you get an extra 2pts for eating Kashi at all. Yuck.
I think that as long as I always laugh anytime anyone farts, including my own 11 month old daughter who can’t even help it and still makes me laugh at 3am when she wakes me with one, I can never enter adulthood properly. And I am happy with that. And burps have the same effect.
Who wants to be a real adult anyways? Not nearly as much fun, if you ask me…
I’m like 93% sure that anyone in their mid-twenties who is a “real” adult is no fun and maybe needs a giant glass of wine. I happen to be proud of the fact that I had coco puffs for breakfast this weekend. Not with kashi. Don’t want to ruin the puffs.
HOW DID YOU KNOW?!?! HOW did you know I was having this exact same mental break down myself yesterday and today?!?!
I’m a psychic. Clearly.
As a 25 year old who has been working hard to be a “real adult” since she was 12, I’ll have you know that it blows and you miss out on lots of fun stuff and good times because “work” or “a good nights sleep” or “a healthy body” is more important.
Yes I am stuck in “adult land” now so continue on with your carefree lifestyle and I warn you! Being an “adult” can be extremely overrated (well, except my savings account, that is kinda nice to have.)
Honestly, the older I get (and the more people I talk to about this)….I think most ‘real adults’ are just faking it. I think, inside, we’re all still sort of feeling like we’re kids playing dress-up. Maybe we all act more adult when there are people watching us and we decide that we need to do certain things to seem “grown up”. But that’s what society thinks of adults, and as we all know, society’s sort of fucked.
Rather than seeing yourself as somehow “less than”, why not just create yourself another definition of “real adult”? Many of the happiest, most successful “adults” I know are people who regularly wear bizarre costumes, party until dawn (and then go to their ‘normal’ jobs) and create huge fire art just for the fun of blowing shit up.
p.s. fuck yeah gummi vitamins
So I guess I’m not a real adult either, and neither is Kathy Lee Gifford. I love Flintstone gummy vitamins because the “adult” kind make me yakk.
Btw, I looked for you guys on Saturday! That place was a madhouse!
I do all of those things and I’ve been a parent for 15 years. Growing up is overrated.
If the laundry thing is a symbol of real adulthood, then I truly hope that no one ever ever ever fucking ever looks in my closet. Or at the areas surrounding my closet.
I hear ya…. but I don’t think anyone ever really becomes an adult. It’s all just a facade.
Btw- my gym is a mile away and I pass it at least 2x a day. :-/
Real adult: Has actual drawer fo underwear
Fake adult: Will by more underwear when drawer is empty if it has been less than a month and a half since last laundry was done.
Dude, I MADE a pair of underwear once, a quick sewing job out of an old t-shirt, rather than do laundry. They looked awesome, too. But yeah, bad habit.
haha Guilty as Charged – was going to add similar content until I saw you had the same awesome unadult like routine
i could not agree with all of this any more. seriously i am so guilty of pretty much all of it. i mean who does laundry when you can just buy more underwear? and who eats veggies when really all you need is cheese and more cheese.
Seriously. You have more of your stuff together than I did at your age. I admire your honesty and I am sounding super nerdy at this hour. But really, is adulthood all about having every piece together????? Do they really know what works and what doesn’t??? I think everyone gets to where they need to be when they need to get there. It is not about not doing laundry but knowing when you are ready to take your next step to greatness. This is sounding super nerdy and I am sounding super old. I don’t have kids and never been married but I guess it is all a learning process. Have fun.. dance until dawn and enjoy it. It is once you stop enjoying life and learning where the problem steps in.
Being a real adult is overrated!
~K
Take from Grandpa, you’ve got a few years before adulthood even hits the radar. The day you can’t carry a full bottle of wine in a glass around your home is the day you should have them pull the plug.
Um…a lot of those adult things don’t sound like fun.
Maybe it’s because I live so close to the magic of Disney & that rubs off on me, but I think being the kind of “adult” that most people seem to want you to be is overrated. Let’s just be our fantastic selves, & let it be the end of it.
Our really fucking fantastic selves, yeah.
Oh yeah. Um- nOT A REAL ADULT EVER, RIGHT HERE. EVER. Real adults get car washes- something i never do. EVER. On top of all those things listed about. yeaaaaa.
Don’t feel bad about the chicken nuggets. At least you’re getting protein!
i’m right there with you.
sometimes i buy underwear instead of doing my laundry.
and by sometimes, i mean LOTS.
Amen to that, sister. I’m 25 years old and I can’t budget to save my life.
Real Adult Does This: Donates monthly to Save The Children
Fake Adult Does This: Cancels donation after 2 months because it cuts into ‘booze’ allowances. And when I say allowances I mean any money I have that doesn’t go to rent.
Being a Real Adult is overrated. Fakes are usually more fun anyway!
I love you. You are so perfectly amazing. If not being an adult means that you are able to win the heart of someone from one blog post, I would say you are doing a pretty good job. Have a chicken nugget.
According to your list I may actually be a “real adult” which makes be kinda sad at 22… BUT WAIT I don’t even have a budget to follow! Yey!
I love your blog! You’re great! Keep up the good work!
This sounds like totally normal adult behaviour to me. Although I haven’t kept my underwear in a bag for a long time. Then again, I’ve over 30, which I believe is the cut-off point for not having a drawer.
I’m pretty sure I line up with that pretty well. I’m fully well-intentioned. I schedule hair cuts, but only do it like…twice a year. And no that is not the hem of my shirt coming apart. We’re part time adults.
I am so glad I’m not the only person who feels this way. Cosigned on the ‘one step forward to adulthood, two steps back’ deal.
Seriously. I was at a career center a couple of months ago and the woman asked my then twenty-three year old ass what I wanted to be when I grew up.
Granted, I do have the cognitive abilities of a twelve-year old, yes, but still. Terrible, demeaning.
Should have told her what I wanted to be when I was seven: time-traveling race car driver.
I am 32 and just started calling myself an adult. It isn’t that I wasn’t a real adult in my 20s, I just didn’t realize that real adults are also lazy, sloppy, confused about their careers, and terrible with money. Once I accepted this, I realized, AHA! I am already one of you motherfuckers. Just try and tell me adults don’t rewatch all the Buffy episodes (netflix instant!) for the fourth time. Or eat ice cream for dinner occasionally. Or make terrible decisions about dating partners.
The best part about being a “real adult” is realizing that figuring it all out isn’t the most important thing. But, finding out what you really like about yourself – what makes you genuinely happy (not necessarily booze happy, although a little booze-happiness won’t kill anyone) – and surrounding yourself with people who like that about you too, is much more important.
(now I’m just guessing here) It sounds like you grew up with parents that kept telling you that you will never be a real adult. Maybe not but I think that your parents played some role where they constantly used this word adult all the time as something that you aren’t yet and should strive to be. Now you constantly find yourself asking is it true. You keep asking are your parents right that you will never be a full adult. You keep asking how adult you are at this moment. You keep asking yourself “when will I be 100% adult”… My dad was verbally abusive. One thing he always told me was that I could not communicate (but now I come to understand that was his problem he always had. People later said that.). Anyways for years whenever I had a conversation with someone there was this little voice in my head constantly going “is it true, I don’t know how to communicate?” I remember when I gave my speech during my Eagle Scout ceremony that I kept asking myself through the whole speech “can I communicate?” But when it was all over people told me it was such a great speech. It was. I made people laugh, I made them cry, and I gave people goose bumps all in different parts of a speech that lasted maybe less than 15 minutes. I knew it was good. I was 17 then. That was the beginning of the end of what my father put in my head that made me question myself all the time… All a real/fake/middle-of-the-road Adult is, is what age you are. Maturity comes and goes at any age. I know some 12 year olds that are more mature than some 60 year olds. Maturity is reaching a perfect condition (dictionary). …I am rambling here… To me my mental health is my most important thing. To not be a bitter out of touch person is the maturity I want to be and stay as close to perfect as I can (and that mental health is something people can lose when they get older). I want to do it for me and the future family I will spend all my time with and will leave behind.