So, you guys, I’m trying to have a better attitude about humanity as a whole. I’m naturally a pretty annoyed person. Which, funny enough, is actually pretty damn annoying. I think my annoyance stems from the fact that, when it comes to things I’m really good at, detecting bullshit is probably numero uno. Up until a month ago, I didn’t know Alaska was connected to Canada (I thought it was an island?), yet ask me to decipher whether someone is full of shit or not and well, I’m practically a prodigy.
Sometimes I wish I had received the smarts in math or geography or something that doesn’t cause me to be annoyed at every little damn thing. It’s frustrating to go through life being able to quickly assess how basically everyone could be doing whatever they are doing better. I guess it would be like if you were a mathematician and so many people around you couldn’t even figure out if 2+2 equaled 4 or if it equaled Nebraska.
What I’m trying to say here is that I’m not too smart in a lot of ways. Like, in ways that have to do with historical events. If the World Wars weren’t numbered, I’d have no idea which one came first. And, I still think the Cold War has something to do with snow. And, it’s quite a miracle I even know who won the Civil War. And, if you talk to me about Geometry, I might kill you, slowly, with that little knife from Clue. And, current events? Psh! I might have to become agoraphobic at some point, because I can’t handle when someone is all, “So, what do you think about [current event]?” And I’m all, “Uh? Remind me of that one again…” And I can see them feeling superior to me, because they happened to look at CNN.com, but seriously, SCREW CNN DOT COM. God. It’s so depressing. I looked at it the other day and the first thing I read was about how some woman smothered her two children. No thanks. This is not news I feel really enriches my life. If anything, it makes me hate people and, considering my indestructibly accurate bullshit detector, I don’t need any more reasons to dislike humanity.
Then again, now that I think about it, I do believe that my negative energy should be thrown directly onto that godawful woman who smothered her two children. In the article, the police officer was all, “Yeah, it sounds like a case of a disgruntled mother.” It’s like, HAVE A DRINK. SMOKE SOME CRACK. DISGRUNTLED? I’LL SHOW YOU DISGRUNTLED. I’M PISSED OFF EVERY DAY, DOESN’T MEAN I’M GOING AROUND SMOTHERING CHILDREN.
Fuck, if I’m going to smother anyone, it’s the people who stop in the middle of the sidewalk for no apparent reason. Or, the people at Wells Fargo who STILL OWE ME $100. Or, the people who handle my student loans, because I don’t know how a company can possibly do everything wrong, but somehow, miraculously, they do. Or, anyone who uses “u” in place of the word “you.” OR OR OR OR OR.
You see? DO YOU SEE? THIS IS MY BRAIN. ALL THE TIME.
And, there was a time when I wasn’t having sex and I thought maybe that’s where all my frustration and annoyance was coming from. I was thinking, “Okay, I need to just get laid and then, poof!, I’ll be ignorant again.” Oh, but, no no. Now I’m having regular sex and I’m STILL LIKE THIS. NATURE HAS FAILED ME.
Does anyone have a Xanax I can borrow? Or maybe a shotgun?
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
As someone who is going through that stage (or leaving, or entering, I’m not sure) right now as well, I can tell you what I’ve realized:
The faster you learn not to care, the happier you’ll be and the more you’ll enjoy life. But the world will suffer the consequences. People who are not annoyed, just don’t care. Think all those life-is-awesome, passion-is-king, you-can-rule-the-world and more-overhyped-meaningless-ideas kind of bloggers.
They don’t care.
CNN.com is the devil. Oh, and so are people. People are the devil too.
Guess that’s why they call it window pane.
Your indestructible and deadly accurate BS detector is worth far more than knowing which world war came first, or who won the civil, or whether or not Alaska is an island.
You can ask me any of that stuff and I’ve got you covered.
Now can you convert your iada BS detector into some kind of purchaseable product for those whose don’t work quite as well.
Consider me a sales lead.
JHep
PS And yes, the proliferation of “news everywhere,” telscreens imposing on what used to be silence at public eating, waiting, whereever spaces is a sure sign of the end of the world, and I don’t feel fine about it either.
It’s not news: It’s bads. Cause if it ain’t, it ain’t reported. As long as it is, it’s hammered incessantly in all the aforementioned formerly silent places, so we can have our spirits eroded.
Really. Why else?
E pluribus annoyed.
You are hilarious, and Carlos has a good point. BUT, when you express your frustrations (like here) it can sometimes help. I just tweeted “Put an RSS feed on your blog, please! Id love 2 subscribe, but you make it impossible. Id like to remember to come back…” And I helped a Blogspot blogger get an RSS button on her blog. BAM! Annoyance = Helping. Sometimes.
A-FREAKING-MEN. Preach on! There are days that I really hate all of the safety features in place in EVERYTHING these days… If these things didn’t exist, survival of the fittest would have a freaking chance!
I totally agree with you about how annoying it is when people stop in the sidewalk for no apparent reason. I also agree with Carlos Miceli that people who are not annoyed, at least not even a little bit, are apathetic. At least you’re annoyed for a reason (being able to detect bullshit) and not just being annoyed because it’s the only emotion you’re comfortable with.
Those people that stop in the middle of the sidewalk? Or groups of people that walk with their arms basically linked taking up the entire sidewalk walking like, a mile a decade and you can’t get around them without walking onto the street and getting hit by a car? Yeah. STAB STAB STAB STAB.
Oh thank heavens, there’s more of us! Totally high BS detector. Pretty smart. Absolutely NO knowledge of current affairs whatsoever.
Oh and Carlo. Just because life can be totally annoying and full of people who don’t even qualify to be morons, doesn’t mean it’s not awesome too. But I still agree with you.
Hey, I’m the happiest guy in the world
I feel this way a lot too. Especially about my school. Like your student loan people, they did everything wrong ALL THE TIME. It feels good to just let it out sometimes.
I am glad I am not alone in my “I hate everyone” approach to the world.
And I work in customer service so dammit if I don’t see idiocy in America every day. No wonder I drink on a daily basis.
It is like the episode of House where the guy purposely makes himself stupid so he can be happy. I envy that guy. Naive people are happier by default because they do not know any better.
I agree, but, if “stupid” people can happily live their lives, then it makes me wonder… “Who’s really the stupid ones…”
I find my patience for People’s Bullshit waxes and wanes within the day and within the week. Somedays I can turn on Zombie Dead Brain and be like I SEE that you are being painfully WRONG and stupid and slow, but I will zone out and think about vodka/The new season of Always Sunny/salsa/sex/napping (pick one) and ignore you. Other days, I’m like if you so much as say please help me I WILL KILL YOU, because SERIOUSLY, HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS YET?!?!?
It takes a lot of energy to be annoyed at people all day. I find it much more enjoyable to smirk when my bullshit detector goes off.
The only current event I wanna know about is who you’re having regular sex with. That’s totally newsworthy in my world.
If some decides to do something good for humanity and hands you that shotgun please take me with you; http://neurotic.nu/x8d
TOURISTS.
tourists make my hands shrivel into t-rex claws.
they stop in the middle of the street all the time too. IN THEIR CARS.
WHY GOD WHY
(see? i totally feel you.)
You know, I thought part of my disgruntledness was from lack of sex once too, but turns out I was just sick of being surrounded by ignorant assholes.
So I quit my job.
It helped, but now I think I probably need to leave my house more. Also? More sex would be great because every now & then I do kinda feel disgruntled over that still…
Horray for regular sex!!
I know what you mean about the people who stop for no reason in the middle of the sidewalk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m pretty sure I’m a coupla-few years older than you, but I could have written every word in this post, though probably not as well.
I used to worry about my instant bullshit detector. I even listened to my husband and a few well-meaning friends about how I was overly judgmental and didn’t give people I chance. I started to question whether I actually knew what I knew about someone within 30-seconds of meeting them.
But then. Then I saw my initial judgments confirmed and watched my sweet hubby on the flip-side of fucked over more than once. This is a GOOD THING we have, provided we don’t self-flagellate about it or hide out at home for fear of following through on our secret fantasies of yelling at the person with 23 items in the 15-items-or-less line.
So embrace your inner analyst. It’s a great tool, better than knowing a bunch of trivia that you can look up when you need to use it. I keep thinking there’s money in it for me, but I’m not sure what I’d call a business where I’d go into someone’s business or life, tell them what sucks, and explain how to fix it.