Updated: 9(!) Overused Punch Lines That Need To Be Banned From the Internet

We’ve all used these from time to time. Some of you use these more than others. I’m guilty as charged. I admit it. I even wanted to use these WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS POST. But, addiction to overused internet phrases is just like any other addiction. First step is coming out of denial. Then, admitting we have a problem. Then we can change. Together. I believe in us.

1. lol

Example: “Someone just did something really weird and uninteresting lol”
See, the thing with the “lol” punchline is that the person using it is under the impression that their joke will somehow be funnier if they prompt us to laugh at it. It’s like when people tell you to “be safe” before you get on a plane, as if their well wishes will curve your fate. This plane will not crash, because, well, my friend told me to “be safe”! Oh, joy! Hallelujah! Same as the lol in place of a period. I’m not going to laugh because you told me to laugh out loud. I’m just not.

2. FML

Example: “This horrible and overdramatized thing happened, like [gasp] I forgot my umbrella at home when it rained. FML.”
The usage of FML is a complete cop-out. It isn’t clever, nor is it particularly original, yet everyone thinks their wit is astounding everyone when they use FML. I am here to tell you, as the Purveyor of General Opinion on the Internet, that this is a lazy excuse for a joke. And yes, that is my official title: Purveyor of General Opinion on the Internet. Sure, it’s self-claimed, but I think at least three people would agree with me and that’s a majority somehow.

3. Just sayin’

Example: “You know, when you do this offensive thing, I feel this way about it. Just sayin’”
This one is almost [ALMOST!] as bad as when people are all, “not to offend you, but…” Inevitably, whatever comes after that “but…” is one of the most offensive goddamn things you’ve ever heard in your life. People will say, “not to offend you, but you look worse than Britney post-head-shave and pre-life-back-together-ness.” Just because you’ve told me that I shouldn’t be offended doesn’t mean you’re not an asshole. I mean. Wait. I think, and correct me if I’m wrong, that I got really off topic here.

4. You’re welcome

Example: “Here’s a funny YouTube video I’m going to link you to. You’re welcome.”
You’re welcome? Well, shove off, I DIDN’T EVEN SAY THANK YOU. This just defies all rules of etiquette and people who break etiquette rules really piss me off, because, clearly, I’m the spokesperson for politeness. I’m so polite and ladylike that I belong in a movie about finishing schools and feminism, playing opposite Julia Roberts in Mona Lisa Smile, which is a fantastic movie that always makes me cry.  But, I wouldn’t agree with Julia Roberts’ character, who defies etiquette and ladylike-ness, because I’M THAT POLITE. So, please, for the love of all things fucking holy, stop telling me “you’re welcome” WHEN I DIDN’T EVEN SAY THANK YOU.

5. I love [some place/time where/when people do stupid shit].

Example: “Dude, I got so drunk and snorted coke off this chick’s body. I love spring break.”
Alternative phrase: “Gotta love college.” If you went to the dictionary or the encyclopedia and you looked up the phrase “I love college” you would actually, and I’m not even joking here, see a picture of the biggest douchebag you’ve ever seen. You’d also see where all the worst Texts From Last Night go to BURN AND DIE. I’d furthermore like to point out that the joke I just used [re: looking something up in the dictionary and seeing something pertaining to the joke being terrible] is really scarily close to making this list. So, you know, I suck, too.

6. Bueller?

Example: “I said something important and I would like people to pay attention to me. Bueller?”
I get it. You like Matthew Broderick and you think this is a better alternative to saying something like, “hello? Is this thing on?” I hate to break it to you, but saying, “hello? Is this thing on?” would be a million times better than using “Bueller?” Because, well, that movie’s old. Sure, it’s iconic, but at some point, we need to move on from the Cusack’s and the Broderick’s and create some new iconic phrases. I believe in us. We can do this. WE CAN BE CLEVERER. WE CAN.

7. Reason #[arbitrary high number]

Example: “Reason #5689 I love something: because of this random reason that nobody cares about.”
Really? So, you’ve documented the 5,688 OTHER reasons you love this random something? The problem with this joke is two-fold: 1. EVERYONE USES IT. EVEN REALLY UN-FUNNY PEOPLE. THAT SHOULD OFFEND YOU. 2. When you say this, people [ok, me] wonder what happen to the other 5,688 reasons, because they [I] take what you say literally. I don’t think you lie to me. I TRUST YOU. YOU BETRAYED ME. THANKS.

8. Every time you do [annoying thing] a [really cute thing] dies

Example: “Every time you listen to Ke$ha, a pug puppy dies.”
Seriously, every time you use that unoriginal and overused phrase, EVERYONE DIES. Like, I Am Legend-style. You’re Will Smith in this equation. You turn into hot Will Smith and the second you do, everyone is dead, so you don’t even get to enjoy being hot and sexy Will Smith. LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE. YOU’VE ENDED THE WORLD. AND YOU CAN’T EVEN ENJOY BEING WILL SMITH. CONGRATULATIONS.

9. Dear Random Thing, please stop doing random thing. Love, Me.

Example: Dear bus system, please stop being really shitty. Love, Me.
Dear Everyone, BE MORE ORIGINAL. Love, Me.

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