If You’d Like Me To Sleep With You, Do Not Introduce Me to Taio Cruz

This past Saturday morning, after a frighteningly large amount of pomegranate vodka, Nicole snuck into my bed at exactly 6:01 a.m. to wake me up, since she’s a raging insomniac and gets terribly impatient when I, you know, would like to sleep. She wants to play. At 6:01 a.m. on a Saturday morning. After a night where we, in the midst of talking, happened to down an entire fifth of vodka in the span of two hours. After the last drop was poured from the bottle, we looked at each other and said, “Now, wait, how the hell did that happen?” And, like any other responsible adults, we decided to ponder the whereabouts of our missing vodka over more vodka at our neighborhood bar. Naturally.

But this blog post is not about the alcohol problem Nicole and I clearly have. It’s about how she came into my bed during the wee hours of the morning and played “Dynamite” by Taio Cruz on her iPhone while telling me about the dream she had just woken up from.

Apparently, we were at a show together where there was a certain someone who had his eye on me. We’ll call him Jake, because I like that name. (HI JAKE) And, once the show was over, Jake came over to me where he was trying to spit some game. Part of said game-spitting was him telling me that he knew Taio Cruz and that Taio happened to be backstage and would I like to meet him?

WOULD I?

OH, YES YES I WOULD.

So, Jake takes Nicole and I backstage to meet Taio. And, I do what any other woman would do when faced with hot hot hot Taio Cruz. I sleep with him. Of course. I mean, OF COURSE.

And, in her dream, Nicole has to sort of comfort Jake because he was stupid enough to introduce me to Taio Cruz as a way to IMPRESS ME. Like, who does that? There’s just no situation in which I’m going to sleep with anyone over Taio. Unless that someone is John Mayer. Or Jim from The Office. Or that guy in The Tudors who’s really hot. No, not Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Too obvious. The other guy. The one who marries the king’s sister. Except the king’s sister dies, so he’s single again, which is to say that if it was the 1700′s, I’d open up my corset for the Duke of Wellington. Or the Duke of Suffolk. Whoever he is. I’m confused. Where was I?

Oh yes. TAIO.

A few things of note here:

1. Nicole is such a good friend that she gets me laid in her own dreams to really, really hot men. You’re all jealous she’s not your best friend.

2. Except she’s probably having sex with John Mayer in her dreams and isn’t telling me. BITCH.

3. As a general rule, you should probably never introduce me to Taio Cruz if you are hoping that I might potentially sleep with you. It’s safe to say that the situation will not lean in your favor and you’ll end up spilling your guts out to Nicole, who’s holding out for John Mayer until further notice.

The end.

Bye bye.

HI TAIO