Living in the world of Google images, WebMD and Grey’s Anatomy, I’ve found that it is easier to be a hypochondriac now that there is a plethora of information at our disposal. Do you have a headache on a random Tuesday afternoon? Well, hm, according to the plot line of Grey’s, you might have a brain tumor. And, Dr. Derek Shepherd may be able to find an experimental surgery to save you, all the while saving his own relationship problems. He’s a superhero. Okay so, you’re right, I have been watching way too much Grey’s lately, because Nicole found out I hadn’t really seen the show all the way through and insisted I sit on the couch and watch horrific medical emergencies happen over and over and over again until every time my thumb hurts I’m convinced I have some life threatening version of carpal tunnel and if I don’t get Bailey to operate on me RIGHT THIS SECOND, then I surely will DIE. DEAD DIE FOREVER.
Which then made me start thinking about this idea of hypochondria. I definitely know I’m already predisposed to it since my mother is a professional hypochondriac (sorry mom, but it’s true). Every time I see this woman, she’s all, “My eyes are so swollen! I ate something bad!” And she’s allergic to something new every other week. A cough isn’t just the cold; it’s bronchitis. So, I get it. I GET IT. I have the hypochondriac blood in me. It’s pretty much inevitable that I will probably die from manifesting some rare disease in my head that they will have to name “The Varon.” People will be all, “Well, my symptoms are a mild headache, a little pressure in my index finger, and swollen eyes. Whattya think it is, Doc?” “Sounds like ya came down with The Varon. You have a week to live. Bye bye.”
However, my physical hypochondria, er, ahem, FUTURE hypochondria in no way even somewhat a little rivals my self-improvement hypochondria (AKA, self-improvemachondria, which is the technical word I came up with for an ailment I’m sure you have as well). This is when you become terribly addicted to self-help blogs and books and all of a sudden, you’ve diagnosed yourself with an anxiety disorder, a commitment problem, and an inability to set short-term goals. All of a sudden, every single book title applies to you and you’re taking the quizzes at the front of every book in Borders, frantically hoping that ONE OF THESE DAYS you’ll be able to answer “no” to, “Do you constantly feel restless?”
Based on every single self-improvement book, I am a commitment-phobe who is also a hopeless romantic with mild anxiety, a tendency towards perfectionism, a control problem, but also no self-control, an obsessive personality, but also someone who is guarded, but also someone who lets too many people in, and also a terrible multitasker while also being the world’s best multitasker and OH DEAR GOD SHUT IT DOWN.
You all do this too, right? I can’t be the only person who assumes every single self-improvement book is applicable to my life. I just can’t. Please tell me I can’t. Help. Please write a book called, Self-Improvement Hypochondria: How To Know You Have It & How To Beat It Once You Have Self-Diagnosed Yourself.
Or maybe I should write that book, because, clearly, this is a topic I am quite well-versed in. Except, according to self-improvement books all along the watchtower, I am far too unfocused to take on a project like that, even though, then, some books will tell me that my ambition gets in the way of my love life and oh my god, I’m doing it again.
Help.
Stop me.
Tell me I’m not crazy. TELL ME!
Oh god, I have a headache now. I mean, I have a brain tumor now. A BRAIN TUMOR.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE THE VARON
EXCEPT MAYBE THAT’S GOOD BECAUSE MAYBE THE CURE WILL BE GETTING TO HOOK UP WITH AVERY
WHY DO I CONSISTENTLY THINK THAT TV CHARACTERS ARE REAL PEOPLE
WHY ISN’T ANYONE ON THAT FUCKING SHOW HOOKING UP WITH AVERY
SERIOUSLY. Why? WHY. I have been unable to wrap my mind around this and I am SO THANKFUL I am not the only one. EVERYONE should be hooking up with Avery.
I think Christina will next year! What do you think??
Um, yeah. If anything should convince you that that show is unrealistic, it’s the fact that Avery is not plowing every female character in that hospital at their insistence. However, once the pants come off of that green eyed hotness monster I would start worrying because apparently that shit just got real and you do in fact have unusual heart palpitations a worm in your brain and OH MY GOD HE HAS A GUN AND AND AND and I’m Cassie btw. Did I just write a mini-paragraph about Grey’s Anatomy? I think I meant to say something more legitimate, but I don’t remember. This is why I can’t have nice things.
Diagnosis: gemini.
I’m the opposite. I will swear up and down that nothing is wrong with me when I’m sick. I hate going to the doctor that much.
I think you just described me. Well in your little self analysis break down!! I am just an older version. McDreamy can operate anytime!! LOL!
I am glad I stopped reading self help books awhile ago. Though there is a good one out there called, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” that was the last one I read.
I stopped reading a long time ago.
Does TMZ count?
Christina is so going to be getting a piece of that next season.
Nicole, you successfully changed the topic and made it so a third of these comments are about AVERY. WOO!
Jamie, I’ll write the book on self-destruction and you write the book on self-improvement and maybe we can sell them together as a package and then maybe some sexy European men will like both of them as a package and then want US as a package and then they’re buy us pretty apartments in Barcelona and we’ll live happily ever after sans brain tumors!
they’re = they’ll
OH NO I’M STILL DRUNK OR HUNGOVER I CAN’T TELL BUT I SHOULDN’T BE AND THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY LIVER BECAUSE I STOPPED DRINKING A LOT TIME AGO AND EXCUSE ME BAILEY YOU NEED TO PERFORM A LIVER-ECTOMY AND SAAAAVE MEEEEEE!
LOT = LONG AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Been watching way too much Grey’s lately as well, I actually quote Bailey for relationship advice on my blog, it’s bad. I’m half-way through season six now. And I’m convinced I won’t live to see the end of it .. I have a terminal illness as well, probably.
My diagnosis : “I am a commitment-phobe who is also a hopeless romantic with mild anxiety, a tendency towards perfectionism, a control problem, but also no self-control, an obsessive personality, but also someone who is guarded, but also someone who lets too many people in, and also a terrible multitasker while also being the world’s best multitasker” .. pretty much.
It doesn’t look good
I’m basically addicted to self-help books/websites/blogs/etc.etc.etc.
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