Life in the digital age can be quite strange at times. Like when life becomes death and someone’s Facebook profile becomes a very awkward and haunting shrine to the life they once had. I had a friend who passed away a couple years ago and his MySpace turned into a sort of weird vigil area where people would write to him, like he’s, ya know, checking his MySpace up in Heaven. With his WiFi. And his MacBook. Of course. Totally.
However, wasn’t it only a matter of time before someone capitalized on this budding industry? Why yes it was. Social Media for the Deceased! Yay! So morbid!
Enter My Webwill. Your life online after death. According to their website, “My Webwill allows you to make decisions about your online life after death. You can choose to deactivate, change or transfer your accounts, like Twitter, Facebook or your blog. At the time of your death we perform your wishes.” And then if you watch their video, they will also send out emails and change statuses at the time of your death.
…
THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT I’VE EVER HEARD OF EVER.
Can you IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES? Oh my god. I’m so excited! The jokes! The things I’ll do! The emails I’ll send! I’ll freak all my loved ones (and enemies) out! Exclamation point!
So, being the morbid and weird person that I am, I compiled a list of the things I’d do using My Webwill! Sorry, mom! So! Many! Exclamation! Points! Way! Too! Irrationally! Excited!
Is it weird that I kind of want to die, so I can do all of this? Like, that’s really strange. Like, I should be committed for even thinking these thoughts.
BUT I DON’T CARE! Without further ado, my life online after death! I’M SO EXCITED.
1. Have them delete this blog entry, so no one knows I had these plans
2. Send an email to all the boys who ever dicked me over
Subject: I am dead now.
Message: And I just thought you should know that your penis is small and my orgasms? Fake. All fake. Kiss kiss bang bang, Jamie
3. Update my Facebook & Twitter status for five days, starting with the day after I died
Update 1: Judgment Day. Had a pretty cool discussion with God today. We went through my entire life and man, I had some good times. A little too much wine, but overall pretty damn killer. God was impressed. He forgave me for that one time in Italy…
Update 2: They let me into Heaven. I’m just as surprised as you all are! Heaven is pretty boring, so I’ll probably end up down in hell. So, Nicole? I’m still saving you a bunk.
Update 3: Went exploring today and guys! Guys! Guess what! Biggie, 2Pac and Michael Jackson are here. Apparently they’re letting anyone into Heaven, nowadays…
Update 4: Um, hey, I’m kinda bored up here. Can someone cool go ahead and die? Bring whiskey.
Update 5: I FOUND CHOM CHOM!
4. Send an email to all the people I didn’t really like
Subject: I’m not really dead.
Message: I’m just waiting for a zombie apocalypse. When that happens (and it will, believe me), I’m coming for you first. Mmmmm, brains.
5. Send emails to random people in my life and make them think I’m spying on them
Subject: Dearest Jane
Message: That outfit you’re wearing today? Hideous. Girl. Come on. Didn’t I teach you anything about fashion? Those shoes with that shirt? YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.
Subject: Dear [REDACTED]
Message: I have it on good authority that JESUS IS WATCHING YOU. TSK TSK.
6. Update my LinkedIn
Job title: Recruiter for Hell
Employer: Lucifer, Inc.
Main duties: Convincing people to make bad decisions and to sin.
Testimonial: “Jamie is a natural! You’d think she was making bad decisions and sinnin’ her entire life. She hardly needed any training before she was down on Earth helping with recruitment of the world’s most badass sinners!” —The Devil
7. Update my flickr from time to time with pictures I Photoshop before I die.
You know, pictures of me with Jesus. And with dead celebrities. And with my dog. A lot of which will feature a Jamie with her thumbs up, proudly dead and hobnobbin’ it with all the other dead people. The one I take with Jimi Hendrix will show me giving you the finger though. Just, ya know, for good measure. Some sample pictures for your viewing pleasure:
God. This is a terrible blog entry. I’m so going to hell for this.
{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }
Dude, you will LOVE this video. It’s really sad but really really amazing. http://thedailywh.at/post/692006748/funeral-video-of-the-day-comedian-carla
you are beyond brilliant, Jamie Varon.
Part of me might have just hoped you die soon so I can see all this unfold. Don’t worry, I sent that part to hell. It’s gone now. Don’t die quite yet. And if you do, can you write in for this comment to be duly deleted? kthnx.
Oh, and put in a good word for me with YouKnowWho.
If I die, I’ll tell My Webwill to delete your comment. Otherwise, you’ll be wanted for murder.
Majorly disappointed that you didn’t supply us with a few samples of aforementioned Photoshopped photos of you with Jesus and Elvis and David Foster Wallace and Chom Chom.
I think that you and I can skip the $9.95 per year payment and just will our entire online lives to each other.
Except that only works for the person who dies first.
Ew. DON’T YOU DARE DIE. EVER.
Clearly we’re going to have to do that die-at-the-exact-same-time thing like in The Notebook.
HI NICHOLAS SPARKS
My mother already thinks we’ve having a baby together. Now we’re going to plan our deaths together?
We’ve gone to a bad place.
And by bad, I mean, THIS THE BEST PLACE.
HI NOAH
When I see one of those facebook or myspace shrines I want to know how they died! I’m talking about people I don’t know of course. It would probably be tacky though to be like “hey how did Bob die? Sorry that happened but I’m really just wondering”
Creepy yes but kinda funny.
Terrible? More like terribly AWESOME! You should go to Madame Tussaud’s and take pics with celebrities, and then photoshop clouds behind you. And maybe have Jesus floating around for good measure.
This is the best idea ever. There’s a wax museum 6 or so blocks from me. THIS COULD GET OUT OF HAND QUICKLY.
Um, so basically this is the best thing ever. I actually created a list of all my social network passwords so my mom can go in and shut down my accounts if I die before she does, because I HATE when people do the Facebook wall vigil thing. But your idea is SO MUCH BETTER.
This is an amazing idea.
Also, I was seriously JUST LISTENING to California Love on my way into work this morning. I should look up those lyrics I don’t know. Hmm, yes. Bye now!
Actually, this is quite possibly my favorite blog post I’ve read, you know…
EVER.
Excuse me while I sidle over to WebWill. P.S. You are The Awesome.
photoshopped with marilyn? hell yes. i think i would also put one with elvis, jim morrison, and princess di just to be like “and what? this is my canasta grop” and blow peoples minds. or i watch too many late night epiosde of th e nanny but whateves. LOVE this post!!
“This is my posse, yo.”
God. The Nanny. What a great show. Seriously.
RE:Heath insert: there’s that misleading “innocent” photo again…
It’s now my, “I’m cheating on 2Pac with Heath Ledger” photo. RESPECT.
You’re brilliant. That is all.
I hate to burst your bubble but I talked to Jesus the other night and he said you were going to live until you were over 90 years old. Yep, That is what he said. He was telling me that we need more clever people on earth and that you were one of them. I said Oh, ” Thank You Jesus” and he said no problemo!!
My take on this morbid but funny wierd post is I think you should just make a movie about this and then you can have your fun now. why wait 60 years!!!
Submit to Universal Studios..You should do it!!!! And Now!!!
And did I mention “Thank You Jesus” for allowing my daughter to live a wonderful *LONG* life!!!
xoxox
Thanks mom. Glad you had a good one on one with Jesus.
HI JESUS
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU CUT ME OUT OF THAT PICTURE AND PUT MARILYN MONROE IN THERE INSTEAD YOU’RE SUCH A BITCH I’M SO MUCH PRETTIER THAN HER RARARARARRRRRR!
justtttt kidddingggggg I haven’t even read this post yet I’m like a child I scroll down for pictures!
So, do you have to tell them all your passwords to your accounts so that they can log in and do all this? I feel like this is a creepy attempt to take over the world via social networking. What if they start going into your Twitter RIGHT NOW and posting those tweets? I think I would kill myself just so I could go be with you in heaven. But then I would be dead and you would still be alive AND IT WOULD ALL BE A LIE and now I’m really scared. Like, rainbow scared of whoever came up with this Webwill shit. Gawd. I mean God!!! Don’t send me to hell!!!!!!!
You, me and Nicole will just all have to do a joint death thing. But if you bitches get into heaven while I’m stuck in hell, I’ll be SO PISSED.
That is one of the funniest things ever… I would totally do that. So fun….
Something would seriously be wrong with you if you went to heaven and DIDN’T date Heath Ledger.
RIGHT!?
Hands down funniest thing I’ve read today – I saw that whole WebWill thing and was kind of skeeved. Now I kind of want to plot.
If it was guaranteed that I could hang out with Biggie and ODB in heaven, I would go to great lengths to make sure I get in, though working for Lucifer, Inc. is sure to have its perks…
This sort of discovery (and the undending implications therein) definitely warrant excessive exclaiming (which I sometimes like to call “exclamating!”).
I also love how My WebWill ends up sounding like The Borg with their “At the time of your death we perform your wishes.”
“Resistance is futile. There will be online after death.”
Exclamating! THATS THE BEST EVER!
if terrible is code for amazing then YES. this post just had me laughing at my desk and i may or may not have passed this on to several people because i cannot stop laughing. seriously, you are ridiculous and this is awesome.
Bahahahaha, I love this. When you tweeted earlier that this was your fav. post you’ve written in awhile, I got really excited and yaaaaay you make me giggle!
This is the greatest thing I have ever read.
I’m a little obsessed with this now. And by a little, I mean a lot. Thanks for validating my freakishness.
Disturbing but priceless!
ya know what jamie??
YOU TOTALLY ROCK!!
i totally dig dig dig this post!!!! exclamation point!!
and i’ll talk to God make sure you won’t go to hell because of this blog post entry if i die before you
kkbb
love
The first question I asked myself after reading your post was ‘how will they learn that I’m dead?’ Spiritism and other similar stuff immediately came to my mind, But then I read on their site about ‘trusted verifiers’, ‘death certificate’ and other dull lawyers’ stuff. I’m very, very disappointed
hahaha!
This was the most hilarious posting ever! I must show everyone I know!!!
Best. Post. Ever.
Think of all the hilarity! Mass hysteria!
Oh so full of the awesome.
Seriously, I die. This is not my favorite blog post of yours. Sending to everyone I’ve ever met…. now.
Can I just say that I love you right now? I am sitting here wishing I, too, were dead, just so I could mess with people afterwards.
“Hello! You’re grieving over my lifeless body and wishing you’d treated me better? Well guess what, mofo? I just hacked into Jesus’ computer files and erased your life. Guess who’s just been defaulted to hell?”
Ah, good times.
BTW, not to rain on your parad but I wanted to give you a heads up that el fake-o “Jamie Chung” is stealing your twitters, again. The latest one she has up is your chicken sandwich one. She even has up the one about eating soup out of a loaf pan. She’s. So. Very. Lame.
Sorry, I forgot to include el fake-o’s link. http://twitter.com/jamie_chung.
I’m voting for a threesome with Heath and Marilyn.
But seriously, I actually think this is both waaaaaay cool and HELLA CREEPY. I mean, yeah, they shut down all your stuff when you die, that’s great, your social media life isn’t suspended for all eternity, but WHAT WHAT. THEY GO IN AND CLOSE IT ALL DOWN?? WHAT IS YOU’RE FRIENDS WHO DIDN’T GET THE UPDATE FIND YOU LIKE THAT.
That’s an awful way to find out your friend died. D:
this is my new favorite thing ever.
for serious.
i love you. please don’t die yet.
(but if you do, you know, send me some posthumous emails. kthnxbye.)
Where do I befriend you on Facebook? I SO want to see the comments on your updates.
True story: Someone just sent me this link and when I clicked on it I was all “This bitch totally stole Jamie’s design.”