So, if we were to file this in a cabinet, how about we file it under Things That Are Adorable About Jamie. Let’s NOT file it under Things That Might Prove Jamie Is Not As Smart As She Seems. Okay? Okay.
So, yeah. I’m really bad at knowing my left from right.
There. I said it.
Anyone who spends a significant amount of time with me knows this. Say we’re in a car and you’ve done the unfortunate thing of asking me to be your OnStar and there’s a left turn coming up. Just, imagine that situation for a second. And say that when I tell you to turn left, I ACTUALLY POINT TO THE RIGHT.
So, you can imagine that when I went in to get my eyes checked, I had a lot of trouble with the exam because OH MY GOD ALL THE QUESTIONS I CAN’T ANSWER WITHOUT THINKING REALLY HARD ABOUT WHICH IS RIGHT AND WHICH IS LEFT. I got really nervous and I was worried that if I said the wrong answers, then I’d get some bifocals or I wouldn’t get the right prescription for my glasses, so I could hardly concentrate and the guy who was helping me had this really awesomely deep voice that didn’t match his exterior look like, AT ALL. Then, we were in that room where they take x-rays and it’s dark and he’s all, “I’m just going to touch you to position your head in the right place” and I was all, “Uh? Am I still at the eye doctors? WHAT IS THIS! WHAT TYPE OF OPERATION ARE YOU RUNNING HERE!? AND WHERE ARE YOU EXPECTING MY HEAD TO GO? SIR? SIR!”
Although, his voice was kind of hot.
And I did end up getting really hot new glasses. But, then they were all, “Also, you need contacts” and, to me, contacts is like your actual actual actual descent into bad eyesight, because, once you get contacts, there’s no turning back. At least if you just have glasses for the computer, you can be all, “Look, ma! No glasses!” But when you have contacts, you’re just all, “womp, womp, my eyes suck forever.”
Also, I need to learn my left from my right. It’s getting to be bad. Like, I need to tattoo the tops of my hands with “LEFT” and then “RIGHT.” Actually. WAIT. That’s an amazing idea! No, mom, calm down, I’m NOT GOING TO ACTUALLY TATTOO THAT TO MY HANDS. I’m just going to use Sharpie. And I’ll put “L” and “R” on my hands, which will serve a double purpose, because say I’m somewhere and a person is acting like a total loser, I’ll just raise my left hand at that person and they will TOTALLY GET IT.
But, then, knowing me, I’ll raise my right hand and they’ll be all, “Uh? R? What the hell does that mean?” And I’ll go, “Oh, shit! I meant this!” and raise my left hand, but then they’ll laugh at me because they will realize that I, regardless of the Sharpie on my hands STILL didn’t know my left from my right and I’ll be the “L” after all.
Whoa. What just happened? I think I wrote this entire blog post while blacked out. No, not because I’ve been drinking. God, it’s 3:30pm! On a Tuesday! Who do you think I am?
Oh, that seems totally plausible that I’d be drunk before 4 on a Tuesday?
Hmph. Maybe I need to work on my personal branding.
Hahahahahhaha. Just kidding.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
I’d like to point out that you did this in the car AGAIN the other day. Also you almost made me turn the wrong way onto a one way street. Basically, we’re going to die in a horrifying car accident and it’s going to be all your fault. Or we’re just going to get really lost. Or I’ll do the Sharpie thing to you in your sleep. Speaking of, stop putting Marvin in my bed.
WUV YOU.
So my mom is 50 and still doesn’t know her left from her right. She constantly sends me the wrong way. I’m not sure if telling you that was a good or a bad thing…
Anyway…
The way I always remembered it was, I write with my right hand, so whatever the opposite of that is… is the left. Although, I do admit sometimes when I’m caught up in something I question myself.
Julia does not know her right from her left. Especially confusing for her if I was to say “my right”. She will be so unbelievably happy to know she isn’t alone.
You’ve probably been told this before. But this is how I learned. Except when my Grampy asked me which one looked like an “L” I said the right because the one on the left wasn’t as straight as the one on the right. I still have to hold my hands up and decided which looks like an “L”
http://dyslexiavictoria.wordpress.com/2008/10/04/
I have the same exact problem and no amount of hand holding in the shape of letters actually helps. It’s just something I’ve come to accept about myself.
hello there! this is my first time commenting and I just wanted to say I’m kinda bummed out that this post exists. You see, my sister can’t tell her right from her left – or so she says! Ever since I learned mine (when is the appropriate age for that??? I honestly can’t remember at all!) I assumed she was just making it up to get attention since it seems kinda inherent. All our lives we’ve been asking people if they know their right from their left and they always do thus confirming my suspicion that despite evidence to the contrary my sister is an attention whore… now I might have to adjust that to be that she can be kinda stupid…just like a lot of other people.
p.s. I love my sister dearly
I have said for years that I’m a little dyslexic about left & right. ONLY ABOUT LEFT & RIGHT THOUGH. What is that?! I can read everything else just fine but dude, I hurt my brain thinking through the difference between left and right at crucial moments like when you have half a block to make a left turn and there’s three lanes and you’re in the middle one and you are trying to figure out which lane you’re supposed to move to in order to turn left. GAH. Oh, and as a passenger in my mom’s car just last week, I told her to turn right as I pointed to the left and then got thoroughly annoyed with her as she sailed right by the left exit she needed to take.
Anyway, point is? I could have written this post myself. I’m a little jealous you thought of it before I did, but it’s okay because your version is funnier than anything I could have written!
Intelligence and siplimctiy – easy to understand how you think.
D0wfsW tbsfjfhpediy
Wait, so 4pm is considered too early to be drunk now?
I need to make life changes…
Ciao bella ~
First off, let me say I’m a member of the same ‘left-right confusion’ contingency. Always have been… and I screw it up in all 3 other languages besides English that I can communicate in. I just chalk it up to being a sign of non-linear-thinking genius-ness… anyway that’s my story and it makes me feel better.
Next, 3 cose da trasmetterti (3 things i want to pass on, for what they’re worth): Bates method eye exercises to improve vision, Lasik (1 of the best things i ever did), and anti-glare shield/filter thingie to put over your computer screen + ‘resting glasses’ for computer work that have a slight yellow tint and magnification to them… check ur local eye glasses shop.
In bocca al lupo = good luck [literally 'into the wolf's mouth -- yeah, language is crazy, but in a good way.]
xoxo
I’m bad about knowing my L from my R, but generally I can at least POINT in the right direction, but that isn’t fool proof either! Maybe you should just be passenger, because a driver with that disadvantage is dangerous
god! hell no!! i wouldn’t be driving with you Jamie ever!! like Nicole said, we probably would end up in a car accident or something! -just kidding- (ok maybe there is a little bit “yeah, i mean it” in it).. but i just loved this entire post!! especially your reaction that guy -who has really hot voice, which i’d love to hear- when he said he’s gonna touch you
)
you’re terrific lady!!
love.xoxo
Oh my gosh. I totally still do the things where I make my thumb and index fingers into Ls so I know which is which.
Pat. Pat. There. There. Just take cabs, sweetie. Those dudes always know where to go and they don’t care if I pass out, regardless of time of day.
My mom also can’t tell left from right. But that’s because we were born in the Soviet Union and my grandpa didn’t want her to be a leftie because it was considered taboo so he tied her arm down so she would switch.
I guess this doesn’t really make you feel better.
JV I Want to day drink TOGETHER and want to do it now. I wise person once told me, never give up on what you love. It was weird and funny at the time, but echoes in my head and I want it to echo in yours too. This comment makes no sense. Thanks for making me happy.
I wear a really huge ring on my left hand. Not because I’m married or anything. I just need to know which hand is my left hand.
Also, I can’t *really* tell time on clocks or watches with hands without mental arithmetic. Now, thank ye gods of cell phones, I don’t need to.
I know a guy that doesn’t know his left from his right. He gives driving directions EXACTLY like you too! One of these days I going to end up driving straight into a lake or a brick wall from him pointing left and saying “turn right.”
Of course the dude is borderline genius! So I wonder if the left/right issue is only a problem super duper smart people have? Ha. Doubt it! But just trying to make you feel better.
What in the world do you do when you are faced with a cul-de-sac? I’m guessing you perform a happy dance.
I also don’t know my left from my right. I don’t know why people think I’m kidding when I say that, but I really don’t. Let’s work on this in Vegas.
Just found your blog from 10Centsworth!
I don’t know my left from my right either! We should have a AA sort of meeting, ‘LR Anonymous’. I constantly send my sister the wrong way and I hesitate too long when I need to raise a certain hand(many false starts too) or a doctor asks me something doing with one of the L’s or R’s. I get a few-OKAY many raised eyebrows because of it. I just warn people now.
Your blog is hilarious by the way.
Here’s a tip (TWSS): The pointy finger and your thumb make a readable “L” on your left hand, whereas, the “L” is backward on your right. Since I don’t know if you’re a lefty or a righty, if you write with your right hand, when asked left or right write your name in the air and that is your right.
I used to write L and R on my shoes (Converse, of course) before. Cos I was so cool.
I’m with TOE – the left hand makes a readable “L” but then you have to figure out which way a “L” normally goes which takes up a lot of time. What about this…since you read from left to right and you can remember which way your read…then you know which is which.
This whole thing could really screw you if you have have a different prescription for your left contact vs. your right one.
I am the same way. It’s awful. And of course then when I do get it right I get super excited and scream and then the driver swerves thinking that they are going to hit something. Oops. The holding up my hands to form an L does nothing for me. Just makes me stare at my hands and then we miss the turn. I am sooo with you on this.
jamie,
You are the most adorable *pat pat* and funniest blogger on the net. Love your posts because they always give a boost to my day. Thanks!