It was an unsuspecting Thursday. Nicole got an equally unsuspecting comment on her blog about how some chick named Jamie Chung was stealing our tweets. And, so, with ultimate dedication, we went to this Twitter account. First I noticed that she has 3,000+ followers and then, MY GOD, I noticed that her most recent tweet about LOST was WORD FOR ACTUAL WORD MY TWEET ABOUT LOST. And then, upon scrolling, Nicole and I are shouting to each other across the apartment. “That’s MY TWEET about unlimited mimosas!” she exclaims. “And, that’s THE TO-DO LIST I FINISHED!” I yell, exasperatedly.
And so I realize that she has been blatantly ripping off my tweets, as well as Nicole’s, Andrea’s, and Jamie Lovely’s for what seems like a good solid four months or so. And then Twitter blew up over it, while also informing us that this Jamie Chung person is some sort of pseudo-celebrity who was on the Real World and some sorority show and while I believe I should have my facts straight, I really don’t care.
Because, one of two things is happening here: the actual actual actual Jamie Chung who is semi-famous is stealing all the funny from myself and my friends. OR, which, admittedly, might even be better, someone is IMPERSONATING JAMIE CHUNG AND THEN, ON TOP OF IT, STEALING ALL OUR TWEETS. Like, what? WHAT THE ACTUAL WHAT WHAT WHAT.
So, I decided to investigate further. And, dear readers, what I found was HORRIFIC. I scrolled. And I scrolled. And I clicked “more” until I could not anymore and YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS BULLSHIT.
JAMIE CHUNG OR A JAMIE CHUNG IMPERSONATOR HAS, NO KIDDING, NO ACTUAL KIDDING, BEEN STEALING MY “TWITTER IDENTITY” SINCE APRIL 26 OF TWO THOUSAND NINE.
APRIL! TWENTY! SIX! OF! TWO! THOUSAND! AND! NINE!
As in, this bitch THIS BITCH has been stealing MY tweets FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR. As far as I can tell, the stealing of my friend’s tweets seems to have happened recently, BUT ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
THIS CRAZY PERSON HAS BEEN STEALING MY LIFE FOR A YEAR?
SHE’S EVEN TRYING TO STEAL THE DEATH OF MY DOG. Chom Chom! Tommy! Our beloved pet!
dfg;lkjdf;glkjdfg;lkjdfglk!!! And fkgjdftoeisdlkgjfdlk!!! And WHAT THE EFF!? Dude, Jamie Chung, GET YOUR OWN DEAD DOG. That’s our Chom Chom! WE LOVED HIM YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HIM!
Jamie Chung, THE JIG IS UP. It’s time that you must now get your own goddamn life and let me have mine back. You are no longer allowed to gain sympathy from your 3,000+ followers for the loss of your dog Tommy, nor did you finish YOUR ENTIRE TO-DO list, nor was it your weekend that was so amazing you want to keep it in your pocket. MY DOG. MY TO-DO LIST. MY WEEKEND!
In fact, here’s the deal Jamie Chung, IF THAT’S YOUR REAL NAME. If you’re going to thieve my entire identity and pass it off as your own, then you might as well take a few other things with you while you’re at it. I’d appreciate you doing my laundry, dealing with my heartache, and going to dinner with people I don’t like going to dinner with.
You’re not allowed to just LIVE MY HAPPY MOMENTS. When I’m in a bad mood, it’s your fault, Jamie Chung, and YOU MUST FIX IT. When a boy doesn’t want to be with me, I’m sicking him on you, Jamie Chung, and you’re taking my heartbreak WITH IT.
I’m going to go ahead and take my awesome life out for a nice night on the town this weekend, Jamie Chung, and YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO STEAL IT. You know what you get? YOU GET MY HANGOVER, YOU SNATCH. And I’m going to drink whiskey and I’m not even going to eat before I go to bed and my hangover is going to put you, JAMIE CHUNG, out of commission for AN ENTIRE DAY.
HOW’S THAT FOR YOU, JAMIE CHUNG!?
I’m really glad that your celebrity life is so boring that you have to steal my non-celebrity, but clearly awesome, life. Go me. I win. You lose.
Kiss kiss bang bang.