See, the thing about being honest is that it’s messy. And, I’m not talking about being honest with the people around you, although that’s part of it, too. More so, I’m talking about those moments when you’re really honest with yourself. Those moments where you’re all, “God, my ego feels really uneasy about this and MY EGO LIKES TO FEEL GOOD ALL THE TIME SO WHAT WILL I DO?” The moments where the truth about yourself, for lack of a better word, just kind of sucks. Or is embarrassing. Or makes you kind of feel like you need to get it together. Because, if your ego is going to be calling the shots, you might as well know it is. You might as well have the courage to look yourself in the mirror and be all, “My ego is a fickle, needy, beeyotch.”
See, I’m trying to become more accountable with myself. Like, it’s all fun and games and sparkles and jelly pens until you’re deceiving yourself, because you’re afraid of what being truly honest will mean for you. I think about this a lot now, this accountability thing. Because, in the past, I’ve been in the business of letting the gravity of each situation catch up to me. As in, I’d find myself ankle-deep in love with someone who was unavailable for various reasons and it wouldn’t be until five months in that I’d realize how strong my feelings were. It would be all, “No, it’s not a big deal!” and “It’s not like it would ever work out anyway!” until it became, “Wow, this kind of hurts” and “My god, I did this to myself AGAIN. WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN?” And, my good friends would slap me on the wrist, tell me, “Tsk! Tsk!” and I’d get let off with a warning. Again.
It’s funny how self-destructive we can be when we’re not being honest with ourselves. And by “funny”, I mean, NOT EVEN AT ALL. Also, side grammar note, is that comma in the previous sentence supposed to be inside the quotation marks or outside? Why is the comma, quotation mark relationship so damn confusing? Why didn’t I ever read that style manual everyone told me to read? Why do I always do this in my blog posts where I go completely off subject and hope that you all find this endearing when you might very well find it infuriating? WHY.
Anyways.
I’m getting good at identifying things early. I’m learning to acknowledge when this feels good and this feels bad or this has the potential to make me feel really good or this has the potential to make me feel really bad. I’m doing this with dating a lot. I’m saying to myself, “I want this person to call because it makes my ego feel good, but I need to stop wanting what I don’t want. Because, I’m trying to stop letting my stupid, needy ego call the shots in my love life.” Or, “I want this person to send me a text message because I truly enjoy communicating with them. The end.” It sounds so simple. However, the execution? Not so simple. At least not to me.
I’ve spent a lot of time acting like things don’t matter even when they do. Or feeding my ego shallowly. Or willingly getting myself into situations that I think I have control over, but really don’t. I’ve spent far too much time looking left when I should have been looking right and no that’s not a political reference, so don’t get any crazy ideas there. It’s an analogy, not anyone’s cue to be all, PALIN 2012! Because, Palin? Really? REALLY.
SHE CAN SEE RUSSIA FROM HER HOUSE!? I’m sorry, but I just can’t let that one go.
Oh dear god. Stop me.
I was actually writing something somewhat poignant. Can’t. Stop. The. Jokes. Must. Remain. Focused.
Honesty. Yes. Right. Trying to get better. Trying to call a spade when I see one. Trying to say, “Jamie, tsk, tsk, only your ego wants this. You will not be happy when this comes to a head.” And I will say, “Okay, Self, you’re right. Thank you for lookin’ out.” And we’ll fist bump.
And, WHAT!?
I’m ending this before it gets even more out of control. Yeah. Okay. See ya.
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Comma belongs inside. Just like Sarah Palin belongs inside Alaska. Let either out and you run into trouble.
The comma goes inside; think of the quotation marks like a special hug. The kind of special hug I fully intend to give you the next time I see you, wink wink. Except not winking because WE FAIL AT WINKING. But at least we don’t blink, right? RIGHT.
God, I love this post. Because hi, I’m the queen of being all, “Yep, this is totally working” except it’s not, and then I’m just afraid of being by myself even though I know that really, I’m just piling bad decisions on top of worse ones on top of completely lying to myself and oh god, it’s bad bad bad.
We should, you know, talk about these things sometime and be all accountable together and such.
MWAH!
I love and relate to: “My ego is a fickle, needy, beeyotch.”
Also, mad props to Mr. Villarreal’s comment.
You need to read these books:
How We Decide by Jonah Lehrer
Blink by Malcolm Gladwell
They are crucial for 21st century twenty-somethings like me and you
I love Jonah Leher. I discovered what I wanted to do with my life while reading an article of his in the New Yorker!
STOP WANTING WHAT YOU DON’T WANT.
Apartment motto.
PUT IT ON THE DOOR!
The quotation/comma relationship is a tricky one. I did it wrong at one time too. But remember it like this…the quotation mark is a like a hug. You pull the word and the punctuation mark together and let them be embraced by the quotation mark.
Basically, the comma goes on the inside of the quotation mark. And saying it that way is a less gay way of relating hugs to grammar.
(Shit. Just realized Amy read my mind and used the grammar hug analogy too. Oh well. I’m hitting submit on this comment anyway.)
I’m pretty sure it’s comma then quotation mark. I mean, I hope it is, because the other way? FUCKING UGLY. And I’ve been seeing it a lot lately and it’s been fucking pissing me off because MY EYES MY EYES PLEASE SAVE ME. Thank you for asking, though.
Oh, and the ACTUAL actual content of this post? I am so with you. I had a little coming to Jesus meeting with myself last night when I couldn’t sleep about accountability to myself and, you know what? It fucking sucked. And, yes, I am so down today after it. Being delusional makes me so much happier. And by happier, I mean deluded.
Forgot to add…
Egos are like naughty bits. It feels good to have them stroked.
Although sometimes it may feel wrong or even a bit dirty, it’s normal and everyone feels like some days. So don’t worry so much.
Ok, that’s all I have for you. That’s my Davidsism (David Wisdom) of the day. Carry on.
‘ I’m saying to myself, “I want this person to call because it makes my ego feel good, but I need to stop wanting what I don’t want. Because, I’m trying to stop letting my stupid, needy ego call the shots in my love life.” ‘
Yes yes to this. This sounds so sad because it should be a given, but this week I stopped myself from stringing this guy along just because it stroked my ego. I was actually honest, with myself and him, and felt so mature. And then I literally got that cliche “Is the sex better with him? Don’t you like sleeping with me??” interrogation that I thought was just a silly rom-com cliche. But that’s a different story. At least I was pseudo-mature, he didn’t have to be.
PS on the comma — I think the American style is inside the ” ” and British style is outside.
I think this is part of becoming a real-lie adult. (Not the imaginary adults that get older but never really leave high school behind.) I’ve been struggling with this a lot lately as well. You’re not alone.
i can completely relate to this post.
it’s a tough thing to be honest with yourself, or even be honest in general. you’re right, we can get so self-destructive if we’re not real with ourselves. but once you discover yourself when you’re in a “quarrel” with your ego, it can be quite liberating.
Why hello there. I’ve just discovered your blog and this entry made me laugh. Lots.
I have this problem too… I’m kinda stuck in a STUPID relationship with a guy that’s nowhere near my type because of this right now. Ugh.
i’m….seeing a pattern. actually i saw a pattern in the first paragraph, by the time i read 5 or 6 blogs it was more of an avalanche.
hurm, how to put this delicately…the word “ego” used 48 times in one blog? that’s a bit of a yellow flag. granted we’re all self-obsessed creatures in screaming need of constant immediate gratification by design, but…i dunno, put a little lipstick on it, maybe?
i now know that 99.999999999999% of men bore you to tears by week 2, that you’re tired of getting undressed by boy’s eyes, especially if they haven’t read all your blogs and are quoting it back to you, that you’re terrified of falling in love cuz it might keep you from traveling to, um, places?, and doing, like, stuff?, that you wage pitched battles with your “ego” over instant strokings, versus potential gradual, long-term strokings….yeah, you see my point, i hope?
now, not to say you’re not witty and smart and a decent writer. take this is as reverse compliment sandwhich, if you will– e.g. a nice piece of toasted rye in between two thick, fatty hamsteaks.
dunno how old you are, i’m guessing mid to late 20′s. therein probably lies most of the unabashed self-awestruckeness. not that it doesn’t rest on top of a heaving, molten mantle of self-loathing, as it should for any real wordsmith. and actually you seem like you’d be kinda fun to talk to IN REALY LIFE(tm)– in fact i’m not even sure what my point is. i guess it’s that the sex-and-the-city meets yeah-yeahs-hipster shtick– THAT level of self-absorption…it’s cute and it’s cuddly, in a persian cat with leaky eyes and a curmudgeonly disposition kinda way, but, if you’ll forgive a horribly mixed metaphor, after repeated helpings, it’s a little sickly rich.
p.s. full disclosure– i think i’m a bit annoyed you actually get paid to write what you do. if a genetic male tried sell articles grousing about being sexed up too much by ladies that don’t have his blogs already memorized, or how hard it is to find a woman in a city of 4 million who has what it takes to “entertain” him for more than 48 hours…i’m guessing his agent would tell his receptionist to hold his calls, lock his door, and hang himself by his necktie.
forgive me, but women seem to have taken navel-gazing to a new, unheard of levels. you don’t just gaze anymore, you actually dig for buried treasure in there, and when you come out, clutching a couple clumps of moldy-cheese-smelling lint, you want oprah there waiting for you, with pulitzer, an oscar, and coupons for a free hot rock massage and microderm abrasion.
also, i guess mantles are, by definition, not molten. but you gotta admit the alliteration was tight.
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! i didn’t even SEE this the first go round…
“Yes yes to this. This sounds so sad because it should be a given, but this week I stopped myself from stringing this guy along just because it stroked my ego. I was actually honest, with myself and him, and felt so mature. And then I literally got that cliche “Is the sex better with him? Don’t you like sleeping with me??” interrogation that I thought was just a silly rom-com cliche. But that’s a different story. At least I was pseudo-mature, he didn’t have to be. ” –Love, Kat
oh my shitballs. translation– “so, like, i decided to be even more awesome than i normally am and dump this guy who wasn’t nearly awesome enough for me, but instead of, like, realizing that i was not only too awesome for him but in fact making a concerted effort to be MORE awesome, which obviously was already too awesome, but whatever, so instead of appreciating my double awesomeness he was just all, like, asking totally retarded questions and stuff. oh…em…GEE!”
sweet baby jesus not hating women is hard f-cking work.
and before you start taking the easy shots, yes, i have a very hot girlfriend, and yes, she hates women too.
Yep. Taming the ego. Not easy to do. Feeding loneliness is one of the most scary things, too. My issue is that I get lonely and some guy likes me and even if I’m not totally into him, I let him hang around. I ended up living with someone for this reason once. Then when it was over, I kept asking myself, “Why the hell did I let that go on for so long? I knew I wasn’t into it. Why don’t I just listen to myself for once?” I don’t know why, but I have a hard time doing that.
I must say I really enjoy reading your blog. I wish I could write in English as good as you do, but English is not my native language, so all I can do about it is keep enjoying your excellent writing and taking you as example! Maybe after reading all your posts I’ll get to improve my English skills. I love reading it ’cause I’m going through (sort of) same stuff, the difference is that I lived in US for two years and now I’m readapting to my old life in Brazil. This was one of the best posts so far, I’m also fighting against my Ego!