Things That Are Not A “Small World”

Did someone send out a memo to the general public that told various people in and around my life to misuse the phrase, “what a small world”? Because, I’m noticing a conspiracy around this and being the grammar/spelling/writtenword nazi that I am, I’ve decided it’s time to set the record straight once and for all. Below are some examples of things that ARE NOT A SMALL WORLD. AT ALL. SO, LIKE, STOP SAYING IT’S A SMALL WORLD WHEN, IN REALITY, IT’S NOT.

1. One of my best friends tweeted about a lalawag article I wrote about online dating. One of her followers clicked through, then found me on OKCupid, then emailed me about how he read my article. He asked me how I knew the friend who tweeted about the article and I said that she was one of my best friends from middle school. He said that he knows her offline as well and was all, “You know her, too? What a small world!”

Let that sink in for a second.

A guy that ONLY KNOWS ABOUT ME THROUGH THIS FRIEND thinks it’s a small world THAT I KNOW THIS FRIEND. What. Wait. What. Huh. Oh. My. God. THAT’S NOT A SMALL WORLD. THAT’S A NORMAL WAY TO KNOW SOMEONE AND DOES NOT INDICATE ANYTHING SMALL WORLDLINESS. Now, say, I was in Australia and this guy was in the room next to me at the hostel I was staying at and we got to talking and he’s all, “You’re from the Bay Area? Do you, by any chance, know Jessica?” And I was all, “OH MY ACTUAL GOD YES!” Then, okay, fair, THAT’S a small world.

2. There’s this guy Nicole and I see at the neighborhood Barnes & Noble quite often. We started talking to him and became minor acquaintances due to seeing him at this coffee shop regularly. Then, one day, we’re standing outside our apartment building and he walks by. We exchange friendly hellos. He says he’s going to 24 Hour Fitness and then he does this weird stretch thing in the middle of the sidewalk and we’re all, “Uh, you’re still talking to us?” And, we think he’s wearing Dockers with tennis shoes to go to the gym, so needless to say, this guy’s a bit odd. And, so we’re having small talk, which I hate, but we’re having it and all of a sudden it comes up that, yeah, we live here, right in this apartment building which is three blocks away from the Barnes & Noble we met you at.

And, wait for it, he goes, “Really? You live here? WHAT A SMALL WORLD.”

NO.

THAT’S NOT A SMALL WORLD.

When we meet you at the neighborhood coffee shop, it’s not a small world that we LIVE NEAR EACH OTHER. Now, if we met you at Barnes & Noble and all of a sudden, we saw you in the Mission, which is across San Francisco and it turned out, WHOA, we live in the same building IN THE MISSION, which is a pretty considerable distance from the place we met, then yeah, THAT’S A SMALL WORLD.

People of the Internet persuasion: this is my PSA. My not-so-silent plea to everyone on the face of the planet that ever wants to interact with me. Please, for the love of everything holy, use this phrase correctly, otherwise when I get an incorrect-phrase-usage-heart-attack, I’M BLAMING ALL OF YOU. And, believe me, you don’t want that sort of heart attack on your conscience.

Actually, you wouldn’t want ANY sort of heart attack on your conscience, come to think of it. Well, unless it was your own and it was because you ate too much delicious bacon. Mmmm. Death by bacon.

Wait, what?

Ok, bye!

Bye?

Who ends a blog post with “bye”?

That was weird.

Oh, just go.

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