There are just some days. Some days where the weight of the world seems to rest solely upon my shoulders and the only way to relieve it is to talk myself in a circle until there’s an opening. An escape hatch. A moment of clarity.
I try really hard to be funny a lot of the time. To make people feel good. To make myself feel good. To convince myself that I know what I need and, more importantly, what I want. But then there are some days. Some days where I look myself in the mirror and think, “What the fuck am I doing?”
I don’t cry. I’m not a very outwardly emotional person and there are honestly days where I just want to cry out the insurmountable emotion. So, I’ll watch Grey’s Anatomy or the train wreck that is Private Practice or maybe I’ll put on Stepmom and find emotion in the made-up reality of other people’s tangled webs. Because, really, everything is fine. If I have a bad day, it’s the worst of the best. It’s never the worst and it’s surely never going to last very long, but it still washes over me in a way that feels like I’m drowning.
Because, there are days where I question who I am. Why I value my freedom over long-term commitment. Why I want to flee the country at a moment’s notice. Why, without a stable relationship, I don’t feel like I’m particularly missing anything from my life. Why my life reads like a how-to guide on how to want the complete opposite of what most people want. And why I’m defining my life based on other people’s definition of happiness or success. Sometimes I lose sight of the fact that I have choices, that I don’t need to piece together my contentment with the things that make other people feel relaxed. Sometimes I need to take a step back and realize that not everything needs to be changed, that not everything is a fundamental character flaw, and that some things just need to be accepted, locked away, and forgotten about. Sometimes I need to remember to choose my battles, instead of gearing up the armor and sword for any of them that come my way. Sometimes I just need to stop and breathe and let myself just, I don’t know, be.
I feel like I want to write out the laundry list of things my mind keeps swirling about. But, that’s not funny. And you’re expecting funny, I’m sure. Because, I’m worried. I’m worried about not being enough every single day. And, I worry about making the wrong decisions. And, I’m worried I’m supposed to be doing something I’m not doing. And, I’m worried that I might meet someone here in San Francisco that I fall so deeply in love with that I lose sight of the things I want, like traveling and writing a book and exploring the world on my own terms and conditions and time frames. Because, I love like that. I’ve felt the feeling of romanticism wash over me where someone asks me to stay and I do and it’s fantastic until it’s not and all of a sudden I awake from a coma and wonder what happened to my ambition.
I’m sick of feeling like I’m one foot out the door every single day. And, it’s not something I want to change because I don’t think I’m ready to be in San Francisco, near my family, near my hometown, in a dichotomous mindset that wants me to choose between settling down and well, not. Traveling and adventure and newness isn’t an escape or an addiction; I’ve come to understand that it’s a necessity for me. And, it’s difficult trying to reconcile the person who I thought I was with the person I actually am.
And, I know this was a free write and you probably are wondering when I’ll get back to talking about hickeys and inappropriate relationships with every single person I have in my life, but that’s just going to have to wait. Because, some days. Honestly, some goddamn days. I just want my happy place, the fetal position, and a movie that’s going to make me actually cry. Or maybe some emo music and side bangs that cover one of my eyes. Either, or, really.
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I admire your openness and transparency, Jamie. You’re allowed “free-write” posts. You’re allowed to question and wrestle through this, and for damn sure you’re allowed to do all that here on your blog.
Don’t feel pressured to perform in what you’re not.
You do you. That’s why we’re here.
PS emo music does help from time to time.
When I read this comment, I let out a great big sigh of relief. Not because I thought people would react unfavorably towards this, but because it’s nice to know I have support. Thanks for this comment, Chase!
wow…i actually really enjoyed hearing this from you…i actually enjoyed you not trying to be funny, especially because I and I’m sure everybody else has days like this. I guess also that though I like to laugh, sometimes it’s distracting and I just want to see the person. Thanks for letting us see you
I can really relate to that weight and hope your able to remove it off your shoulders. peace.
Wow, thank you for this comment. You’re fantastic. I’m glad I have readers who don’t only want me to be funny!
I feel the same way. It’s nice to have real instead of funny for a change.
Ahhhhh… You just wrote some things that I wish I had the courage to write. This post is amazingly awesome for lots of reasons, and I give you huge props for writing it. People come to my blog for funny, and many days my funny is lost. And I’m lost too. I am so. Very. Lost.
We can be lost together.
I can tell you that, at one point, I felt very much the same way. I always wanted to flee. When bad days came, I literally wanted to just pick up and move. Anywhere. But far. Far was always the key characteristic. It’s an easy way to feel alive again. It’s much harder to stick it out and find life inside of yourself. And believe me, the bad days follow you. They show up no matter where you are. Sometimes they’re better in different places. Most of the time, they’re worse.
I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. This is the human condition. You’re more normal that you think. And maybe that sucks to hear.
Sounds like someone needs to play God of War III on PS3, chase down Hermes and rip off the bottoms of his legs along with his speed boots to claim them as your own. The ultimate pick-me-up.
Ah, Jamie. You are so awesome and wonderful and I love that you wrote this so openly and transparently. I know that so many things feel uncertain (WITH YOU, 100%!) but that without a doubt everything will work out the exact way it should, even if it doesn’t match up with the life swirling around in your brain. Which, let’s face it, is probably lots of delicious faux-mushroom champagne wetness pizza and John Mayer. Which would be awesome. But, ya know.
I’m here if you need to talk. My fucking middle name is UNCERTAIN right now.
Darlingface,
I’d be worried if you WEREN’T feeling this way. One day when we’re all old and married with saggy boobs and little Jenns and Jamies running around, we’re going to look back on these years and say, “Damn I was confused, but that was some fun shit” while everyone around us is going to say “Damn I wish I realized I didn’t have it all figured out when I was 25 because now I’m stuck in Middle of Nowhere Suburbia feeling less than satisfied with my monotonous marriage and PTA drama and I wish I could have traveled and explored and made mistakes and learned from them and been 25”
You’re one of the smart ones my dear. HUG.
I suggest you start with the side bangs.
It happens to everybody from time to time…no need to grow emo hair or throw random hickey references into the mix; I think it’s good for everyone to know that others go through the same thing AND are willing to write about it.
I relate to this so much, it’s actually kind of ridiculous. I have this friend who, well, all she wants in life is to get married. And she wants a boyfriend so badly and when she tells me about this, I’m all, yeah, of course, me too. But really? I don’t. I don’t want a boyfriend right now, and getting married is certainly not high on my list of things I want. I want to travel and write a book and go to graduate school and open my own practice. I’m not in the mood for commitment to another person quite just yet. I’m too busy committing to myself, you know? Yeah.
I am happy to read this, too. I don’t have any wanderlust. I mean I like travel but I am very, very rooted here. I have responsibilities, a kid and 3 (!) dogs. I’m cool with that. I love my town like it’s a living, breathing person.
But! I also don’t want to be married (and I’m much older than you). Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me, or like maybe I really do want to be married and I’m repressing it and it will come out and bite me in the ass. Becuase it seems like the message that you should couple up is EVERYWHERE. But ugh, then someone would be in my kitchen and my head and, just, no. Not now and maybe not ever. So thank you for making me feel a little less out of step today!
This was pretty much the most awesome blog post I’ve ever read. Simply because it was so honest, heartfelt, and I’m pretty sure demonstrates the way a lot of women/men feel. I could completely relate.
It is always nice to know someone out there is going through the same boat and helps others feel like they are not alone in this thing we call life.
Keep it true, Jamie.
First off, I think it’s awesome too that you can be so open and are looking to crowdsource your problems. Being aware of your desires and goals and obstacles towards them already puts you ahead of a lot of people YADDA YADDA YADDA…
My main advice would be to consider that having a relationship and most of the things you want to achieve aren’t mutually exclusive. Don’t you think there’s boyfriend material out there that doesn’t also want to travel? Or have creative hobbies that either leave you time to write a book, or support you by letting you bounce ideas off or proof read it?
Avoid trying to make one grand plan for the way your life is supposed to work out when you grow older. At work, we use this project management principle called agile development. At the end of a 2 week development cycle, we have a new version of a product that does something that can be shipable. It’s a small accomplishment and we can decide to build on it the next time around, or we can allocate resource to something else. The point is though, the result of those 2 weeks is something that is complete in itself, has somehow advanced the bigger project and we don’t end up with something that is half done and we didn’t waste 2 weeks of engineering time.
I just came out of a product planning meeting. Can you tell? Maybe you can reuse some of that concept for your life. If you do, just don’t write a book about it. Agile Development for Personal Relationships is some hot shit right there, and it was my idea first!
I’ve wanted to say what Joost said since the first time I read this, but it was only the second post of yours I’d read and I didn’t want to overstep. I can’t vouch for the engineering stuff but I want to assure you that finding a guy and traveling the world are not mutually exclusive (I seriously thought those words verbatim as well) and if the guy you find doesn’t share that wanderlust, he’s not the guy for you. I used to think that falling in love would involve compromise or settling, but I found the perfect guy for me. I was 35 and divorced at the time. We have the same lifestyle goals and we support each other’s ambitions. We’re married now and that didn’t slow us down but we did slow to a crawl when we had our first kid. We’re expecting our second. I can’t imagine backpacking in the Andes with two small children. In fact, I cringe when I think of our 5-hour flight to Hawaii this month. But the kids will grow and traveling will come more easily as they do. And honestly, if and when you want to have kids, you will be ready to give up some stuff for a little while. Sorry, I’m not some kind of reproduction advocate, I just wanted to point out that you can have a relationship and still take off to anywhere, anytime. But now I’ve gone off topic. I’m really happy for you, Jamie, because accepting where you’re at brings you closer to where you want to go.
um, so, literally as i was walking home from work today (after i stayed late for no real reason except i felt like i had nothing else to do) i was contemplating how to express exactly what you wrote here. obviously people relate, and of course people say they’ve been there, but i felt especially compelled to tell you that i was thinking these exact thoughts this evening and wondering whether i should put them into my blog. so thanks for putting them in yours first.
Side bangs probably aren’t your best choice.
Dashboard Confessional, however, is.
Its corny and silly of me to say that I know how you feel. But I’m going to say it anyway:
I know how you feel.
And I want you to know that your greatest allegiance is to yourself and as long as you keep that in mind, when you meet that someone who makes your knees weak and your heart pound and your thoughts fly right out of your mouth without quite thinking about the repercussions, you won’t lose sight of yourself and what’s important to you.
That need to travel is just in some people’s blood; I know it’s in mine. A gypsy caravan is too much settling down. Chin up! There are plenty of things in this world that are there to make us cry when we need to and laugh when we need to.
This really made me think. It made me think about what I want and what is important in my life at my age. Just today I was thinking to myself “I am not sure I like where I am right now. I never thought I would live in a house so small. I always thought that I would have a big house and a pool. I thought that I would be traveling the world now but I can’t because I have too many demands on me.
I am happy that my business is going well and I can afford what I need but I want more, I think. I am confused… I am not sure If more is what I want. If I had a big house would that really make me happier? Maybe?! There are just days where you just can’t stop thinking about what truely would be better if you had it a little differently. I think this is called a reality check. Like, Get your ass in gear and make some things happen if you really want something to change. I am the only one that is going to change things for me. And me, (talking to myself) I am going to start now.
While your thinking about all this LIFE Shtuff, a good dance in the kitchen to John Mayer would be appropiate.
Great Post It got me to stop thinking and doing!!
xoxo
Hi Jamie,
I just want to echo what a lot of people are already saying. We respond to this post because it is so open, honest, and genuine. We are all complicated beings, so humor is just one facet of who we are. No one expects you to only be funny. In fact, humor is always funnier to me when I know it comes from a real place, from a person with a rich experience who struggles just like any of us.
I’m a thirtysomething and I know exactly what you’re going through. My “quarter life crisis” as I always called it has evolved from the time I was 25, but I remember all of these feelings. They don’t necessarily go away, but they change. The one thing that’s helped me is to remember that life doesn’t always unfold the way we think it will, that the searching and confusion is actually a rich part of the journey.
I fell in love with a Frenchman while on vacation and I now live in Paris. But there are days I feel “stuck” here, too, even though people think I have found paradise. Don’t let anyone else tell you what makes you happy. You’ll find what you need by sticking to what you believe.
Best of luck to you,
-Sion
Don’t get me wrong, funny is great. Funny is what keeps people coming back for more. But the honesty, the rawness of emotions is what makes you human. Its what prompted me to comment.
Sometimes I feel the same way, and all I want to do is watch something or listen to something that will finally make the tears come. Oh, and Stepmom is a fantastic movie for that purpose. Usually, I feel better after crying. I hope you feel better after writing this.
You’ll probably find something or somewhere or someONE eventually that makes you want to stay in a place for awhile and have a settlement of sorts. But maybe you won’t. And who cares? This is what’s important to YOU. The fact that you care this much means you have the ability to feel that true happiness we all know exists somewhere deep inside of our bodies. Trick is finding it.
Also, penis. (There’s comedy in everything, Jamie).
Yes Jamie, PENIS.
You know this is my favorite thing you’ve written in forever. We already discussed it. And can now move to discussing penis. But I think we’ve already discussed that too. Have we run out of things to discuss for now?
Okay. Bye! Bye?
Bye? That was weird.
I think you feel alone in these feelings but everyone in their mid-twenties is going through some version of the same thing. I know I am. I completely identified with your post. It’s the quarter-life crisis and you are in the midst of it. If you haven’t already, I would suggest reading the very-short book, “Who Moved My Cheese.” It’s metaphorical genius that will hit home.
Just found your blog and take this from me as a thirty-eight year old mother of two, just be who you are, what you are and everything will fall into place. The thing that I love about getting older is the sense of calm you feel. I felt EXACTLY like you do when I was your age, and it is normal. Just live in it and one day you will start changing and you may want some of the things you now run from and that’s ok, and if you don’t that’s ok too.
It’s about the journey.
Sadie at heyMamas
What is it that Carrie Bradshaw said (made up characters always seem to have the best advice)? “Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe some women are meant to run wild, until they find someone just as wild to run with them.” I think that is our problem as females… we think we need to change ourselves to fit a man’s life. Well I think it is about time we just do us and find a man to change his lifestyle to fit our own! Because lets face it, if they REALLY LOVE us they would! So don’t sweat the small stuff, just be you/discover the “you” you want to be and everything else will work out just the way it is supposed to!
and just remember… not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious!
dude.
i know those days you speak of.
i read your blog all the time, but i don’t think i’ve ever commented. i appreciate posts like this because it lets me know that i’m not the only one sitting here thinking “WTF man…is this it?”
so keep on keepin’ on. some days are often followed by effyesi’mAWESOME days.
Given my experience of 32 years of living in an uncertain direction, I can tell you this.
Normal people that can think, always have moments of doubt from time to time. You get them because you know that there are other options and directions other than the ones you have chosen.
Live for yourself, I would rather have done something that I wanted to do and know that it was the wrong choice, than to not do it, and die wondering.
Finally, as the great John Lennon sad: “Life is what happens, while you’re busy making plans”.
My advice, believe that you are moving in the right direction, roll with it, and if later down the track you find you don’t like it or want to escape, change direction. Simple
Trust me Jamie, I’ve been in this same type of mentality for the past few weeks, and I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’ve used movies, music, pieces of writing, journaling, etc. to make my eyes spill over with tears, just for the sake of that momentary relief.
You’re allowed to have moments like this. It’s normal. You’re normal. And trust me…it’ll be fine. Coming from someone who is in the middle of a shit storm right now, this to shall pass. Promise.
And besides. You have us. And we’re always behind you.
This is my most favorite post in a while. It’s nice to see a more personal post (and away from all the talk about sex and booze
). And it’s nice to know that you feel this way. I really connected with a lot of what you said and I want to know that a lot of people our age are there right now. All we can do is avoid the loneliness by cuddling with each other 
. I hope you feel better and I’m here for you! 
Hun, relax.
Life IS confusing. Life sometimes DOES YOUR HEAD IN. It’s supposed to.
Is that a bad thing? No. Because it teaches you how to continue being you no matter what life throws at you next. It slowly reveals what really matters and gives you the downtime/introspection that you need to go inside and connect with yourself again.
I’m 38 and I still don’t know what I’m doing. What I DO know is what matters to me and so in those moments of confusion or swirling emotion I let it ride because I know I’ve got to let that work itself through, and then on the other side I make a choice to engage with what matters.
PS: Try watching “Grand Canyon” by Laurence Kasdan – a little dated but a great movie.
Hi Jamie!
If I remember correctly, you’re in your mid twenties, right? Well, that is exactly the way you’re supposed to feel at that age! You shouldn’t beat yourself up for wanting something that might be different from your friends and peers. It’s OK! Feel whatever you feel, and just go with it! I’m in a different age bracket than you are, but I remember that age so well, because I started my business and my relationship at 25, and now 14 years later have ended both. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, even though I have massive uncertainty for my future (as I near the big 4-0)!
Just try and live your life without regrets, have as much fun as you can every day and the rest will follow. I promise!
“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”
e.e. cummings
Being yourself is tough. Not because you don’t want to be yourself or because you don’t know what you want to be as yourself but because the world around you is constantly suggesting you should be something else. That doesn’t mean that the world is always wrong. Growing up means learning that some things about yourself should change. But I think if I had been there when e.e. wrote this I would have suggested he be more specific for the hardest battle you are fighting is one of character. Life and other people are constantly trying to put some thick clouds up in the sky so that north star of “what is right versus wrong” gets more difficult to locate. And that is where it gets tough in the battle for self. Sometimes you just have to know where that star is even if you cannot see it all the time. And you just have to wait for the clouds to depart. And waiting is tough. That to me is sometimes the battle.
I’m married and I still feel the same way. I knew for certain that I wanted to get married but I also want to be as peripatetic as possible while still remaining close to a very large family that always needs me to be close.
Hence, we are moving away from DC and all of its opportunities and glitz to be closer to the family. It’s exhausting. I’ve even contemplated moving to Israel for a year, because I just don’t know. In the middle of the move, we’re also going to India, because I just can’t see myself as contented by being rooted down like most of the women in my large crazy family. If we have kids, we’ll probably be the crazy-ass parents with kids in backpacks (or whatever those things are), hauling them around Morocco or Greece or something and teaching them never to settle for comfortable suburban boredom, as well.
You can be frustrated and confused. It’s cool. You’ll figure it out eventually. Like most things in life, probably with a balance between being close to home and satisfying your wanderlust.
it’s not easy to be open and honest. alot of times i do the same. LOVE DRAMATIC MOVIES. you watch and think “wow my life isn’t that bad now is it” but you recognize that something has to change or that you need to deal.
if writing it on your blog is better than making a list that won’t go anywhere but in the trash, then i’m all ears
This is the first entry of your blog that I have read and I can tell you that I feel the Exact Same Way! Its really quite unreal. I always feel just a little off center of normal because I don’t want the same things that other people (girls) my age want. I log onto facebook every day and see my peers getting married, having kids, starting families. This is all very well and nice, but not for me. At least not for now and yet I can’t help but feel like I am behind in, like, LIFE. Some part of me thinks that these are the things that I should want and yet don’t. I want to do the same things that you do…travel, write (except I veer a little off into the realm of photography), see new places, have experiences before I am too old and set in my place to do those things.
I’ve totally rambled on here, but in any case, I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one who is feeling that same way and it was nice to read that there is someone else that is in the same boat.
In short, rock on, live your crazy life
I really enjoyed this post. I have been attempting to write a post like this for weeks, but could not have done such an eloquint job of it. You definitely have to be true to yourself, and you’ll never really make a mistake if you if you can take something away from the experience. You’re still very young and life is one big journey made up of lots of small journeys.
Call me biased, but I absolutely LOVE these posts from you! A) because they make me feel like we are sitting together in a coffee shop talking about life and B) because they show people your deep and real and vulnerable and amazing side (not that the funny ones don’t, but you know – they’re different
Love. Love. Love. Amazing post.
Love this! I don’t read your blog because it’s funny (that’s just an added bonus) I read it because it’s open and honest. So posts like this just prove even more how real you are.
And as a 25 year old single girl living in SF I’m constantly feel this same exact way- it’s good to have days like this or else Ben and Jerry’s and pretty much every chick flick would be out of business. Keep up the great writing!!
I love your face. Nobody can be upbeat and funny all the time. I’m really glad you posted this. I mean, sure, I love your funny posts and that’s probably what brought me to your blog in the first place, BUT. Sometimes actual life gets in the way and it’s important to talk about that, too.
I kind of know how you feel – except you are much more awesome than me. I don’t have grand illusions of being able to travel and do awesome things… but I frequently, frequently wonder what the hell I am doing with myself. I adore my job, and my apartment, and my friends, and my life… but I have pitched up residence in the type of town you settle down in, not the type of town you live it up in. So, what then? I’m pretty sure I’ll never meet anyone here. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just picked up and moved away and started fresh. I know I could do it; I could “make it in the big city” (we don’t have a lot of those around here) and be fine and probably exhilarated and wonderful but I know I’ll never do it.
So I’m here… and I’m okay. I don’t need a commitment or a husband or definitely not babies and I like having no one to answer to but myself and the ability to do whatever I please. If that means there is something wrong with me, so be it. I’m not going to change because I “should.”
I have no idea where I was going with any of this.
Hey, look! Something shiny!
…runs away…
You’re hilariously funny. And a great writer. And based on this little diddy we must have been separated at birth.
Add bravery to that list, my friend. You know tons of people read what you have to say and writing this equaled an insane amount of courage I could never have mustered up. So serious props.
Next time you feel the need to be funny? Don’t. This was equally awesome and seeing your real and heartbreaking side makes me enjoy this blog that much more.
Hi, I stumbled upon your site today, and man, it is beautiful
.
Though this entry isn’t funny at all, I smiled at the bit about Grey’s Anatomy. I always watch Grey’s when I need to cry XD. I’m a big fan of the lesbian relationship in this season because I can scream about someone else’s fucked up gay relationship and not mine.
You are fantastic. As is your glorious blog which I love! Fanks man.
Discovered your blog through a friend of mine and have been going through and reading up on some of your posts. First off, excellent job! Love your writing style and tone. Very refreshing. Second, in response to this post, in my probably over-romanticized opinion love isn’t something that you need to settle for. I’m the same way, where when I fall for a girl, it’s head over heels, but even if you do, if it’s true love then there will be no settling. Don’t give up your hopes and dreams just because of love. Love should be a part of your hopes and dreams. So go out and be the Elizabeth Gilbert you want to be. That’s the best possible way for you to find the love you’re looking for. At least that’s my opinion on it. Keep up the great writing and don’t stop being you!
DAMN… THAT FELT SO GOOD. It’s like you just sat down and had a needed moment of clarity,kind of like a mental flushing.. This not only gave me perspective and helped me FLUSH, but I’m gonna pass this on to about 20 people who also need to FLUSH.
Thank you so much again.
Live free , Love strong and laugh hard!
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