Things That Are Only Funny in Retrospect

If you’re anything like me, you know that life can be extremely funny. And, if you’re even more like me, you know that the only way one can even FUNCTION in this world is to think basically everything is a riot. And a joke. Otherwise, you might want to start killing kittens and nobody likes a kitten killer. However, there are some things that are just not funny while they are happening and it’s only when you think about them in retrospect do they become quite hilarious. Or, maybe you cry. I don’t know. I’m not you.

Awkward segue into list.

1. When it starts raining, but you have a dress on and you are using a shitty umbrella from H&M

No disrespect to my peeps over at H&M, because, god knows, I’m obsessed with everything they ever make. But, come on, make an umbrella that can withstand some wind. I’m not using this black and white polka dot umbrella because, oh dear, it’s drizzling a little and I don’t want to mess up my perm. The perm I don’t have but, in theory, I could have. DON’T JUDGE MY FUTURE PERM.

So, I’m walking back from SF Weekly headquarters one day and what was once a sunny day turns into an actual, legitimate storm. I’m running across the street in this, admittedly, kind of short dress and I’m only wearing black tights with it and a light jacket, because, oh, IT WAS SUNNY? So, I’m crossing this massive street with all these cars waiting on the light to change and for me to cross and, of course, I start battling with this umbrella that is INVERTING ITSELF while my stupid dress keeps fighting to fly up over my head. And, I know, this sounds like it might actually be Marilyn-Monroe-sexy, but it was more of Jamie-Varon-not-graceful-AT-ALL. And, I’m soaked and freezing and hungry and THIS GODDAMN UMBRELLA HAS ONE JOB: TO STOP RAIN. And, ah, and, then, ugh, and then, I HAD TO TAKE THE BUS. Like, ask me what I hate so much I could die? The bus. Being freezing cold on a bus after being caught in a traumatizing monsoon? ACTUAL HELL.

2. Sending something that was meant to be a Direct Message as a public tweet

Especially when you use the words “SEXTING” and “CLIENT” in the same sentence. Because, then for the next two weeks you reprimand yourself for dirty DMing because it’s like you WANT to send a public message out to your Twitter followers detailing the who and what of what you’d do if who and what was in your apartment. That’s living on a very awkward edge between Really Stupid and Even Stupider Than That. And, so, for two weeks I’m sitting there sending these questionable messages and absolutely sending myself into an irrational panic every single damn time I press send. Which, in retrospect, is absolutely hysterical, but at the time was both really hot, really stressful and absolutely unnecessary because I kept the DMing panic going because I WAS TOO LAZY TO EMAIL. I’m. I’m, uh. I’m special.

3. When you’re at a gay bar, have had far too much to drink and you’re having an intense conversation with someone for thirty minutes where you are doing some weird back and forth intense rubbing of each other’s sides that I’d have to show you in person, otherwise it sounds awkward. And, then, you think it’s a dude, but your roommate tells you three days later that you were talking to some woman really intensely and all of a sudden, you go, “Wait, you mean that GUY I WAS TALKING TO?” And she says, “No, that was a chick!”

WAS IT!?

Oh god.

OH. DEAR. GOD.

IT WAS.

Shit. I need my happy place.