When it comes to love and dating and all that “fun” stuff, there are two people actually calling the shots: the person I want to be and the person I, at the end of the day, am. And, I’m beginning to think that, at some point, one of them is going to have to die the hell off, because I’m sick of trying to satisfy both parts of myself, especially when the person I actually am is the person that is getting what they want. Funny way that Universe works, huh?
So, the person I want to be is this: A really cool and open woman who enjoys casual dating with the hope that one of them will actually stick and turn into a long-term relationship. This woman is also guarded to a point, but is willing to give people a chance. This woman doesn’t overthink or talk herself out of otherwise great situations and she is definitely a hopeless romantic. This woman also always smells really nice and wears a lot of dresses and always has enough money to buy pretty things that make her feel pretty. THIS WOMAN SOUNDS AWESOME.
And, now, for the person I actually am: This woman is still holding out for the time when someone just comes crashing into her life and demands she fall in love with them. She can’t overthink it or be guarded or be any of those crazy things she actually is, because this person will just smash into her and leave her no choice but to be silly, stupidly in love. No time taken away from actually living the life she wants because of the complication and messy of dating. This woman also does smell really nice and wears a lot of pretty dresses, but unfortunately, does not have enough money to buy pretty things all the time. THIS WOMAN IS STILL AWESOME BUT NEEDS SOME WORK.
I just. I don’t know. I just don’t KNOW. Some days I feel extremely hopeful about embracing the messy and the chaos of love. Other days I’m forlorn about how crushes can actively come so quickly and actively dissipate even quicker. And, then, other days I’ll decide that what I really want is for a Situational Boyfriend to come in and give me orgasms and put up that goddamn heavy mirror onto my wall that is still sitting at the foot of my bed on the floor. AFTER A MONTH OF MOVING INTO MY APARTMENT. My blog archive (and more importantly) my life reads like a very specific how-to guide on how to be fickle. Or really, really indecisive. Or not knowing what the fuck I ACTUALLY WANT.
And, I suppose I don’t really need to know. Hence the someone smashing into my life and demanding I love them. Because at least then, I don’t get the choice. Because, unfortunately, faced with the choice of whether to fall in love or not, I usually pick the “not” mainly because it seems to just, I don’t know, get in the goddamn way of everything else I’d like to be doing. Like having exotic flings in foreign places, even though I can’t even go through with doing THAT either, so really, I’m back to what I commonly refer to as “Square One: In Which Jamie Faces Yet Another Round of Indecision Regarding Her Love Life” and could someone hot and amazing and awesome and really, really funny please just come into my life in a great, big grandiose way and demand I stop my anti-committal, fearful love life shenanigans and, I don’t know, just sort of have sex with me all the time and be happily in love?
Could someone just do that? Because, I’m starting to think that this person I want to be is not the person I am or ever will be. And, at some point, I need to come to terms with that. And, what better time to do that then rightfuckingnow?
Annnnnnd, deep breath.
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Jamie:
In general: I’ve been hearing so many good things about you from Carlos and Colin and I have to say, reading up on your blog, you’ve got a good thing going here!
In regards to this post: You are so not alone with the split dating personality! But it doesn’t sound too much like you’re far off from the woman you want to be. No need to push commitment, when things work, they just work, right? And letting go of the idea that there’s a ‘right’ way to have a relationship frees up all kinds of possibilities to be both the woman you are and the woman you want to be without being in conflict with yourself.
Who’s to say you can’t be swept up off your feet by a guy who satisfies when you’re in the states but lets you roam free abroad? Unconventional? Perhaps. A whole lot of fun with much less stress? Probably.
In any case: The battle to be the person you want to be is one certainly worth fighting, but not worth ignoring who you are now….just maybe worth questioning what you aren’t happy with and chalking it up to a ‘hmm…interesting’ moment.
ahhh to be dating again…don’t miss it sista.
great design for your site. JEALOUS. anyway, if i was using my blog to make money i would so be asking for your help but can’t afford it just for the sake of having a really cool looking diary of sorts.
best of luck to you
When I first read this, I had a moment where I thought that I might actually have split personality disorder and that you and I are really the same person because this is pretty much the story of my life. I’m so indecisive about the woman I want to be, especially when it comes to dating, and how that conflicts with the woman I actually am. Thank God someone else feels that way.
I am a wee bit older than you but I completely have the same fears. Now all of my friends are married, having kids and/or are in relationships. They were married and everything before but now they are having multiple careers and I am still looking to land in my first one.
I totally have the same fears about life you do. I am trying to clean out my friend’s who are really not a benefit to me and to find the life I need to lead me to where my passion and career lie. It is a tough road and I know it is going to be a long one but it has to be worth it in the end.
I am just hoping Mr. I am totally in love with me and treats me right and professes, provides and protects me is actually out there. Because MR Right now wasn’t working and it is only temporary and I think my MR. I fix things is involved now. So he isn’t around now either.
Here is too making great choices and having Mr I will fall head over in heels in love with you AND support you in your choices and dreams comes along soon for both of us.
Here’s the thing. There is no ‘you’ other than the ‘you’ you are. Or, to be all Buddhist about it, Where Ever YOU Go, Three YOU Are.
My mother once said something to me that made a lasting impression:
“Two people can be close. They can be as close as your crotch is to your underwear. Past that – somebody has to crawl up somebody’s ass.”
I’m just saying.
My mother didn’t really say that. But it has a nice ring of ‘authority’ when I preface it like that. Make of it what you will.
‘THERE’.
Big flippin’ typo.
Jamie, I am in the exact same head space as you are right now, only I’m 38 and just came out of a 14 year relationship. I just spent my very first weekend alone in 14 years! Crazy! I can totally relate to the person you want to be vs. the person you are. Finally, at the age I am now, I’m starting to wear dresses, makeup, feel pretty, smell good etc.
The way you described wanting to date, that’s what I’m going through right now -am I a fling girl, or a serial dater? I don’t know, but I WANT to know-now! I guess I’ll figure it out in the months to come… then next March I’m going to Europe for 8 months – your blog really inspired me to follow my dreams.
Good luck with figuring out who you re as well, you’re off to an awfully good start!
Um, hello. I’d like to introduce myself as your dating life twinsie because basically everything you said just now made me go “YES. ME TOO. I HAVE THAT TOO.”
Because on days that are factors of 15, I want to an independent woman who can lift that damn mirror herself and make dinner for 1 and is satisfied with her vibrator. But then on days that are even numbers I’d really like someone to snuggle with me and keep me warm while it’s freezing cold out here and talk to me while I fold my laundry and unload the dishwasher because I DETEST doing those things. And then on those prime number days I’d really like to just be a lesbian or even join a convent because boys are just too exasperating to deal with.
Shouldn’t there be a pill for all of this?
It’s cute how you’re pretending that that mirror isn’t going to be on the floor until we move out.
So cute.
Also cute are your deep breathing attempts, but let’s focus on the real solution to everything: MARGARITA MONDAY.
It’s refreshing to hear that I am not the only person in this world that doesn’t actually enjoy the “process”. I mean seriously, what the fuck is fun about feeling nervous and uncomfortable all the time and trying to figure out if they are interested or just playing around and if you even care? I am a way bigger fan of the fall in love and lots of sex and feel comfortable off the bat campaign. Let’s perpetuate this! I have to say though…just keep on doing how your doing and it will happen. There are like minded people out there…and shit they may even be guys too!
I think you’ll find a lot of twins out there on this topic. When I got to you’re paragraph on not having a choice and dating getting in the way of everything else, I though, “hey me, why are you in someone elses brain writing this?”
Seeing other people in the comments express similar feelings about dating – it seems to be pretty universal even though it can often feel like we’re it.
Oh, and I hear that just proping mirrors up without actually hanging them is a very “in” design element these days. Just pretend you’re being trendy.
your blog=my thoughts exactly. I want this guy too, we may have to fight over him =)
hi jamie!
been reading a while, and i just wanted to toss this out–being the cool, insightful, independent woman that you are, do you think it might be possible that you might resent someone coming into your life like that?
what it sounds like to me is that you’re…trying to avoid the emotional risk and responsibility of having a relationship, especially the really, really scary beginning part. i think your “cosmic collision” approach might work for some people (maybe those same people that watch jersey shore religiously and think a lot about their tanning beds?). i can’t say–maybe you would be deliriously happy for ever after–but part of me thinks that after the initial swoon has worn off, you would feel stifled by someone who did not allow you to be as deliberate and independent as you seem to be.
maybe there’s a jamie reason that you haven’t identified yet that keeps you picking the “not in love” option.
maybe we’re all just nuts.
and, maybe, we should be friends. although i did just give you unsolicited advice. oops.
<3 bee
To quote Sex & the City…“Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.” I think you should be who you are and hold out for the person that does come crashing into your life and it will really be special when they do. AND could you really live with yourself and be happy if you somehow convinced yourself to be and act like someone you’re not.
“And, I suppose I don’t really need to know. Hence the someone smashing into my life and demanding I love them. Because at least then, I don’t get the choice. Because, unfortunately, faced with the choice of whether to fall in love or not, I usually pick the “not” mainly because it seems to just, I don’t know, get in the goddamn way of everything else I’d like to be doing.”
Yes, yes, and YES! Me too. Where are the awesome single sexy funny ones? SMASH INTO ME! NOW!
My mom just told me that for every 100 single women in Connecticut, there is ONE single man. I know this isn’t Connecticut, but it is a fact that there are less men in the world than women, and that they are all simultaneously afraid of being ALONE and COMMITTED at the same time. Hate them. All of them. Love YOU though!
a dedication on my minion blog, jamie!
p.s: we still have to hash out plans on my stuff, will mail soon
I really like what Kristin had to say in the first comment. My last relationship, we threw all the rules out. I met the girl online and we hit it off quickly. After our first meeting, we confirmed our attraction and our interest. We both looked at each other and asked what would be the point of a long and drawn out courtship? We wanted to know if it we would work together in a relationship, because we knew we were headed for one anyway. We sort of forced each other into a relationship, just as you described. And it worked… it was great. And then she went bat-shit crazy!
The process really sucks. All the things you are so open about on your blog are things i would totally talk to a girl about on a first date or even before that. But because of what seem to be the “rules” of dating i would be slapped and ignored for such vulgar discussion topics.
Oh boy could not pay me enough money to go back to dating. But loved reading this.
Jamie – Love love LOVE this post. Sometimes, I feel the same way. But in the end, I know that what is meant to happen will happen (as cliche as it sounds). When you meet the right person, all of your fears will fall away. Maybe not right away, but it’ll be worth sticking it out to find out, and you’ll know that (I’m convinced).
Just don’t ever, ever try to be anything you’re not. Because you are *you* and that *you*, is amazing.
If I had any form of penile instrument I would totes sweep you off your feet. Maybe not *with* said instrument, but still… Just sayin’
Wow, this takes me right back to my wild youth and those horrid conflicting feelings – quite normal, but horrid all the same! LOL Be you and only you and Mr Right will come along and you can be you together!
I had given up all hope of finding a man and then at the age of 31, I found my man in a rose garden who turned out to be as mad as me and wild in spirit. We were married six weeks later and are still happily married 21 years later … so don’t give up.
The trick is not to worry about it, stop looking and he’ll come crashing into your life when you least expect it.
Good luck and thanks for the memories!!
P.S. Could do with a few tips on the blog front too!