So, the power of the Universe sometimes gives me hives. I’ll be skipping along, feeling quite smug with myself about how I just harness my inner Law of Attraction, think positive thoughts, and BAM! things happen along swimmingly. Considering I put in significant effort to, ya know, be all positive and change my beliefs so I actually attract good things into my life, I feel like the Universe and I have a pretty damn good relationship.
But, that Universe is a fickle, fickle bitch. Because, since I know how powerful it is when I’m thinking positively, I go through absolute freak-out, anxiety-inducing moments when I start swirling around in negativity. I start legitimately panicking, because I’m all, “UNIVERSE DON’T BELIEVE ANYTHING I’M THINKING. I’M IN A BAD PLACE. I HAD WAY TOO MUCH VODKA LAST NIGHT AND NOW I’M ALL THROWING MYSELF A PITY PARTY SO JUST STOP LISTENING. I’M TALKING NONSENSE. NONSENSE, I TELL YOU.”
Which, speaking of the Universe and weird New Age-y things, there was this one time I was in New York City for my 21st birthday and this bitch psychic tried take advantage of me, but I KNEW BETTER. Kind of. A little. Ok, not at all.
So, I was walking around Manhattan and this woman stopped me on Madison Avenue and asked if I wanted to speak to her, because she was a psychic. I was feeling particularly vulnerable and frustrated, so I said yes. She did a quick read on me, said the most general shit ever, and somehow convinced me that my chakra was off-balance and could I go home, take a shower, and wash myself with this soap? Being impressionable (and really fucking gullible), I said yes, went back to my friend’s apartment and washed myself with the chakra-balancing-soap (?) and returned to the psychic the next day.
The psychic asked if I had used the soap, fed me some other bullshit about how I need to do x and y and now we need to do the serious balancing of my chakras or energy or WHATEVER. At this point, she leaves to go talk to her mother, who is also a psychic, because OF COURSE THIS SHIT’S GENETIC, YO. My psychic comes back and tells me she needs me to go to the grocery store to grab a few things for our chakra balancing. She tells me to go to the store and buy paper towels and a dozen eggs.
Um.
Ok?
So, keep in mind, I’m still young and a little desperate to BALANCE OUT MY CHAKRAS, so I step outside and look for a store that sells these items, but since it’s NEW YORK CITY and not the suburbs, I can’t find a goddamn Safeway or Vons or Whole Foods anywhere. So, I’m going into liquor stores asking for paper towels and eggs and all of a sudden, I stop short. I stand there and I have a heart to heart with myself in the middle of Manhattan and I think, “You’re now officially old enough to buy all the alcohol you ever need and what is the state of your life right now?”
And that’s when it hit me.
Like a huge massive ton of bricks.
BITCH WAS USING ME TO BUY HER STUPID, DUMB, FAKE PSYCHIC GROCERY LIST. BALANCING MY CHAKRAS?! MORE LIKE BUYING TOMORROW’S BREAKFAST.
Whore.
Wait, what was the point of this blog post?
I’m sorry. What’s happening? I blacked out a little.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
At least you came to this realization while standing in a liquor store.
I mean if you really think about it, it’s like the universe sent you there to A. help you realize you were being taken advantage of, and then B. ensure that you could drown your humiliation with a bottle or twelve of booze.
Hah–I’m glad you caught on to the scam before she sent you back for peppers or something. I think booze is just as good for balancing out chakras anyway.
If she were really psychic she wouldn’t have had to ask if you used the soap.
When life gives you eggs and paper towels, make lemonade.
The point of this blog post was to crack me up. Friggin’ hilarious. Thankyouverymuch.
Thank god you came to that life changing moment in a liquor store. Sheezzz if you were in a Safeway the universal power of getting your senses back may not have worked. You might have been hit with a real ton of bricks in the middle of Manhattan and the eggs would have cracked and your chakra would have been shattered.
Atleast you would have had paper towels to clean the mess.
Furthermore:
Your universal power psyche pointed you in the right direction *The Liquor Store* and a good thing it was, it kept you out of trouble with this Fake Psycho Phychic. The universal power wanted you to have a good stiff drink to help you with the stupid things we do like wash ourselves with PHYCHIC SOAP!!!!
xoxo
Love the Post and all your amazing and funny stories. More Please!!
Phychic soap, does not hold a candle to my rare but very expensive “Inner Chi Loofah”. I would lend it to you but its been custom made to suite the contours of my Chi which, I can only assume, adds ti its exfoliating power. Sorry.
If she’s a psychic, why would she need to ask if you showered with the soap?! Wouldn’t she just ‘know’ if you did, like she ‘knew’ your chakras were off when she stopped you on the street!?
And I’m guessing that the liquor store has more benefits than just providing a night of fun! Praise New York City and it’s brilliant minds wandering the bloody street!
OK, so I JUST went through that part about the “UNIVERSE DON’T LISTEN TO THIS RIGHT NOW” so I TOTALLY get that. Right now? In this moment? I’m all, “THIS IS WHAT I WANT! OH WAIT NO IT ISN’T. THIS is what I want! I think. Or you can figure it out for me. Can you figure it out for me? I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING PASS ME THE SCOTCH, PLEASE.”
Wow, that turned ugly quickly, didn’t it? I consider this a PSA to watch out for all those egg-loving bitch psychics. Well done.
Wait a second.
You went INTO a liquor store, and neglected to purchase alcohol?
Now that’s just wrong.
Classy. With a capital K.
This would be super hilarious except that I have friends that would actually do that and never figure it out. That is my life. Friends who buy psychics eggs and paper towels and probably some condoms too just so they could have a little safe fun.
But also? That psychic? FUCKING GENIUS. I need to figure out my backstory to get people off the street to buy me shit. How awesome does that sound?
I’m so terrified of the Universe that I’m not even sure I should be commenting on this post.
That makes no sense.
My tongue hurts.
You’re sitting right next to me.
Ew, stop cracking your neck.