The other day I went to IKEA and when I went to grab my cutest lamp ever, I saw that, above the lamp, was an arrow pointing up to the exact light bulbs I would need to LET THERE BE LIGHT. And, without even realizing it, I became the happiest I think I may have ever been and, really, kind of wanted to go kiss whoever thought up the idea to put the light bulbs that fit the lamp right ABOVE the lamp. That’s genius. Pure, unadulterated, genius. And, then I started to think something else.
Why the flying hell can’t my love life function in a light-bulb-above-lamp-type scenario way? Which brings me to my next idea.
Situational Boyfriends.
Stay with me here. Let me explain. And, I will warn you, that this totally makes sense in my head, but actually might make me sound like a bitch, but I promise I’m not trying to be bitchy. Mostly. But not at all. But, where the hell was I?
Right. Situational Boyfriends. Plural Noun, bitches.
As in, I need a man to parallel park my roommate‘s car when the parking spot is on a downhill slope in a small street of San Francisco. I need a man to put together my bar stools, so that I don’t sit there wondering how the flying hell I use a wrench and why IKEA hates smart people. I need a man to lift my mattress and put it into my room because I clearly do not have either the patience or the strength to make this happen without wanting to go cry in the corner where my bed would be had I actually worked out while in Rome rather than sat around flirting with boys and drinking too much wine. BUT. I. DI-FREAKING-GRESS.
I have plans and goals and am completely codependent on my new roommate, so a total-in-love boyfriend would be a bit too much for me right now. And, not to mention, I haven’t found someone I actually want to commit to, so I’m hereby declaring myself wanting Situational Boyfriends. Car Parker. Stool Put Together-er. Mattress Mover. Orgasm Giver.
Wait.
What?
Yeah. I mean, I’m not going to be abstinent here either. Come on, people. I need a handy man, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
Get it?
HANDy?
Don’t worry. I’m rolling my eyes, too. It’s all good.
But in all seriousness, I’m getting into this idea of Situational Boyfriends. Regular sex. Stools put together. Massages. Dinner. And, wait.
Waiittttt.
This is actually starting to sound like I want a REAL BOYFRIEND. I’m starting to confuse myself. Holy shit. What just happened? Did I just ninja judo chop myself into admitting I want an actual relationship by attempting to sound like a complete commitment-phobe who basically wants to use men for their tools? (Yes, pun intended.)
God, that was such a total ninja move on myself. Are you confused? I’m confused. What just happened? What year is it? AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TWENTY-TEN OR TWO-THOUSAND-AND-TEN!? WHAT HAS HAPPENED? WHY ARE PEOPLE WONDERING ABOUT THAT QUESTION? I SEE IT ON TWITTER ALL THE TIME AND I’M ALL, SERIOUSLY? WHO CARES? I’M GOING TO KNOW WHAT YEAR YOU MEAN EVEN IF YOU SAY, IT’S YEAR TWO-ZERO-ONE-ZERO, WHICH WOULD BE SILLY, BUT I’D. STILL. GET. IT.
Whoa CAPS LOCK.
What was this blog post about?
It’s so cold, someone hold me.
{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
Yes.
I think many guys would gladly sign up for that gig. I think you got possessed by Kanye there at the end but I totally followed you.
I think Nicole is rubbing off on you – hilarious. Situational boyfriends is a huge industry. In your case, it sounds like a moving company and an escort service would do the trick
And I’m going with Twenty-Ten.
you’ve officially lost it, mazel tov
Helloo dear i check ur mail and ur hobby i like ur commints
Regard
lucky
You slay me. Slay. Me.
Thanks for making me laugh, empahthsize, and pass this on to all my girlfriends.
heart,
r
HFS (holy effing shit) I died laughing reading this, because I REALLY need one of these “situational bf’s” you speak of….I try to be all “independent woman” these days, but sometimes you just NEED some strength to move that heavy shit, or you really need a little shoulder rub….or you need some sex…just sayin’….Love the idea, and YES, I totally feel like it mindfucks us into thinking we might need actual real-live boyfriends…but they’re so much work…ugh…
freaking love your blog! can’t wait to read more!
Thank you, thank you for making me bust out laughing at work! This is freaking hilarious, and so incredibly true! Sometimes, you just want a man to handle things for you. My current thing is that my ceiling light went out, and I’m too short to change it… even on a step stool. Could really use a tall hunk of man right about now.
(Found you recently, and have been giggling my way through your archives. Also, random note, but I LOVE that your site has so much orange on it!)
R
Not anymore!
I follow the AP Style Guide on Twitter and apparently they are pronouncing it as “twenty-ten”. But, you may use the Chicago Manual of Style and send a big F-U to the AP Style Guide and in that case you can disregard the above (I don’t know what the Chicago Manual of Style says and I’m too lazy to look it up and in all actuality it kind of confuses me).
I like that you thought of the Situational Boyfriend while looking at a lightbulb. GET IT?! Like you had an idea and a lighbulb popped up?!?! Okay I’m done.
it’s what we all want.
There HAS to be a button you can click on Match.com, or EHarmony.com or ToolForYou.com or SituationalBoyfriend.com that requires that said male should,
A. Be there when I need him
B. Be capable of giving me MULTIPLE orgasms without complaining when I’m too tired to return the favor
C. Understand that bitch, I have a life and am still an independent female THANK.YOU.VERY.MUCH.
Got to be.
And if there isn’t one, I’m sure there is some guy who’d like to be used for his tool, somewhere out there.
Um. Can we all join together and create situationalboyfriend.com?? MEN, WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS HERE?!
I love it.
Seriously, being vertically challenged has its drawbacks and I can totally understand the situational boyfriend. I am using my Dad and he is getting to the age where he can’t really lift things. I mean he has a heart condition and when it goes out of whack. It is a problem.
My friend Beverly likes a man who can fix things. I totally agree.
The finding the “right guy” is over rated and I am in my thirties. I had a failed boy toy. I am glad to be rid of him but still. Sometimes the commitment is a problem.
Girl you are hilarious. I followed along perfectly well to your post because I think this is how my mind rambles. Golly – I loves it. You have an amazing blog here. I’m so very happy I found it
The Sweet Potato Queens’ Book of Love recommends that you have these 5 men in your life at all times. If you have these guys, you can survive without a “Real” “In Love” boyfriend indefinitely:
1. Man who can fix things
2. Man to take you dancing
3. Man to pay for things
4. Man to talk to
5. Man to have amazing sex with
The great thing is, they don’t all have to be the same man, and four of them can be gay! They don’t even have to be men!
I’d be happy to nominate for the first situation boyfriend of 2010. Mainly because I can converse with ease using the same amount of puns in this post.
Oh, and I’ve been known to be handy with tools too.
…what??
I need a whole army of situational boyfriends. And half of them have to be tall to reach things I cannot. (they also have to have nice abs so as they reach up to change that lightbulb their shirts can slide up and i can get a glimpse. what? I haven’t thought this through…much.)
I’m thanking Dave for volunteering for you, Jamie. And can he be MY situational boyfriend too? Is that allowed? Can a man only be one girl’s situational boyfriend at a time? But can girls have multiple situational boyfriends at a time? I think so. I mean they are called SITUATIONAL boyfriends. Which means there should be a different one for each situation. And this is actually SUCH a brilliant idea, because it’s not just about them being able to put your stools together, but can they be naked while putting them together? Or at least topless? If they’re going to be topless that means they must have an amazing upper body. But the one that gives the best orgasms may not be the one with the best upper body. We need to establish these kinds of rules if we are going to create situationalboyfriends.com. I’ve never actually called them that, I just call them boys who do stuff for me in exchange for sex. But Situational Boyfriends sounds better. And lets me have them do things for me WITHOUT sex. Which also sounds better considering some of them are completely illiterate tools when it comes to pleasuring me with their, um, tools.
Side note: I am totally jealous that you get to live with Nicole now. At least we both can cross off ‘lived with Nicole Antoinette’ from our life lists
Love the idea, but you don’t need a man for some of these. Monkeys are fully capable of most of these except the umm other handy work, we don’t do the interspecies thing- as in the words from Planet of the Apes, “Your so damn ugly” no offense hehe.
Ha, I have all that in one person. Thank you for that reminder, because sometimes I get so lost in my own head that I forget it.
That didn’t help you at all, did it?
PS, I love the way you write.
@Ari:
Lists! I love lists.
1. Man who can fix things
…ok we’ll see. I’m *OK* at fixing things. i’m not stellar.
2. Man to take you dancing
YES. this I can totally do. Swing, salsa, club, ballroom, hustle, ET CETERA.
3. Man to pay for things
Yup. Can do.
4. Man to talk to
Well, yeah I suppose so. I don’t know if I’m allowed to decide whether i’m “good” at this.
5. Man to have amazing sex with
Well. I live in Virginia. Come to think of it that pretty much also eliminates 1 and 2 and 3 (somewhat).
Dangit.
Haha, is it strange that your blog made perfect sense…and I was totally with you the whole time…through the tangents…nodding along…. thinking “Right?! Exactly! I agree!”
Um, this is effing brilliant. I totally think you SHOULD start a company, situationalboyfriends.com. I fortunately have some great guy friends that serve ALMOST every fixing/moving/helping capacity. Just need one for other “tools.” Only situation I’m really missing right now. *sigh* I think I’m now feeling the opposite of cold, but I still want someone to hold me. Weird…….
Such a thing actually exists! In Korea!
I can’t remember what they’re called, but they’re men, often nice, attractive men, who can be hired for anything from coming to help you squash a bug, to putting together your furniture, to standing in for a marriage prospect when your parents come to visit. It’s a service that was invented when Korean women started being more active in the workplace and thus also single until a later age than usual, but I think it’s a great idea, and one very similar to your “situational boyfriends”.
You just need one good one that takes care of it all. Those are the ones that are harder to find.
Sounds like you need one of these for now .
I heart you.
so funny, thank you, i needed that laugh!
Anonymous Internet Person approves of your funny blog-fu and adds you to his feed reader (yes, people still use those).
Wait, I left my name in the little fieldamajig above, didn’t I? Shit. Now EVERYONE knows who I am.
Two words (and a couple of letters)… substituteboyfriend.com. It hasn’t been created yet, but you could make millions…
ok. i laughed my ass off. that was very very good. so. try this theory out for situational boyfriend (just dont ninja me if you dont buy it).
you are seeking a guy who is emotionally available in bits & pieces (parts & pieces .. whatever ..). what i mean is a guy who loves the idea of a long term relationship but doesnt want one. so he collects long term relationship moments each time together. he puts the stool together like he wants it to last forever and not just something he has to do but doesnt offer to do more chores (instead wants a beer). he parks the car cause he knows you trust him with the keys but doesnt hesitate to give you the keys right back. he makes love like he is in love forever but will be right out the next morning to play hoops with the guys. he gives you all the focus of a long term relationship in the moment but not focused on you when apart. (and every once in awhile you can catch him in a non-you-focused moment if you call him out of the blue and it may catch you a little off guard). the tricky part about this kind of situational boyfriend (although you got it pretty good when you are together doing whatever) is you cannot tell when he collects that “last piece” that tips him over to “ok, i am ready for a long term relationship.” or the opposite side in that he never has enough pieces to start a long term relationship. there you go. try that idea out ninja girl.
Just found your blog! You have a talent for witty writing. Ha I loved it!
Hey,
My friend forwarded me your blog, saying we should connect. I am a screenwriter and film director and I’m doing a film about a food critic who seeks romantic gratification through food to compensate for being romantically challenged.
I also used to write a dating blog (website attached).
Look forward to reading your posts!
{ 2 trackbacks }