So, there are very few things in life that make me want to strangle puppies in the way that incompetent customer service does. First was Comcast. They suck at customer service. I know this. You know this. THEY KNOW THIS.
Which means you nor I nor them should be surprised that they created an online user name for me that’s associated with my account without even telling me they did this. Apparently, they like to be inundated with irate SMART people who think simple things they get wrong could easily be done RIGHT. So, some person gets on the phone and they were all, “Ok, we already set up a user name for you, it’s Jamie009988.” And, so I went in and tried to login but OBVIOUSLY they spelled it “Jaime” instead of “Jamie” because, I mean, WHY WOULD THEY SPELL MY NAME CORRECTLY? Clearly, this is asking way too much of a company that spends more time with their fingers up their ass tweeting all day than actually giving a shit about if their customers want to blow their brains out after calling for tech support.
So, I finally get into my account and the guy’s all, “So, now we need to make you a secondary username and then just make that one the primary one.” Um, ok. Fine? So, it’s easy to just click “Add Secondary User” and I’m all, Ok, Comcast, NOT BAD SO FAR. But then the guy is all, “Ok, so now you need to go into a chat room in order to make this username the primary one.” And I said, “Ok.” But then my brain caught up.
“I have to do WHAT?!”
“You need to go into a chat room.” I mean, bro, I know I’m hot and people have told me I do have a bit of a good phone sex voice, but I’m not about to CYBER IT UP WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. Or, wait, EVER.
“Um, ok? Why isn’t there an easy way right here to make this the primary username?”
“I’m not sure, ma’am, but you’ll need to open up a new browser window and login to a chat room now.”
And, at this point, I kind of well, completely LOST MY MIND. Because, then we went into a chat room and apparently what I was supposed to do was wait for a representative to come into the chat room, tell this person that I need to make a username my primary one, and then report back to my phone representative. I’m the middleman between the most INEFFICIENT CUSTOMER SERVICE EVER EVER EVER.
So I said to him, “Ok, so you’re telling me I need to be on the phone with YOU while I wait for another person to chat with me online? This is the most ridiculous thing ever. Aren’t I just wasting everyone’s time because I should be able to just change this within my control panel.”
But, common sense and smartness are just too much to ask for. Because I waited for a chat representative to assist me while I heard the rep on the phone breathing. FOR OVER THREE MINUTES. And, while, yeah, you’re thinking that’s not a long time, but I assure you, IT IS. It feels like a damn lifetime when all you want to do is strangle the person closest to you and while that person is usually Nicole, that wouldn’t be good. So, finally, I was just all, “Ok, can I just use that other username to access my account?”
And he said yes. And I thought WHY DIDN’T YOU GIVE ME THAT OPTION IN THE FIRST PLACE OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO OFF MYSELF. So, now I’m using some stupid login for Comcast where my name isn’t even spelled correctly because apparently you need the IQ of a dingbat in order to do anything customer service related for any of the companies I called today. I BLAME COMCAST FOR EVERYTHING WRONG.
Then, I proceeded to be even more masochistic and called Discover card, Wells Fargo, and finally, to top this whole clusterfuck of a day off, I called David’s Bridal. And they were all, “Please tell us which of these locations is closest to you: Colma, Pinole, blah blah.” And I go, “COLMA.”
“We’re sorry, please tell us which of these locations is closest to you: Colm…”
“We’re sorry, please tell us whi…”
“OMG KILL ME COLMA!!!!!”
And, then I gave up. Not just on customer service reps, but on life. And, I prayed to god that he would please, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make people smarter. Like, just in general. Or, grant me the serenity to NOT COMPLETELY LOSE IT BECAUSE SOMETIMES. SOME. TIMES. I JUST CAN’T HANDLE IT.
Someone hold me.
It’s so dark.